Big Picture (or lack thereof)

I pulled this from my personal stash of blog posts that isn't supposed to see the light of day. It's all about feelings. All the feelings. I was compelled to share it for anyone else going through fertility treatments/infertility/etc. Dealing with fertility issues can make you kinda crazy. It can also make you think about things that people without fertility issues may never have to worry nor concern themselves over. 

And that's okay. 

It's okay if your mind goes to places you never thought it would go. It doesn't make you a bad person or a Debbie Downer. It makes you someone who has been dealt a crappy hand and is doing the best they possibly can. Or maybe infertility has made you an eternal optimist and you don't go to the dark corners. I have never met anyone like that, but there's a first time for everything. If I have learned anything over the past number of years, it is that everyone faces challenges differently. And with infertility, the second you think you're doing okay, you've got this infertility thing under control, the shit flies up and hits you smack in the face.    

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I don't see the big picture anymore. I can't see the big picture anymore. My life is a series of small, deliberate steps. I find it almost impossible to imagine my flat, empty stomach as ever being a swollen, pregnant belly. I don't allow myself to think in those terms. I just can't.

Infertility has taken away my ability to envision where I will be in one, two, or ten years. My life is about what is happening right now. Getting through each step in the hopes that something bigger and better is at the end of this road; while simultaneously living with the mind numbing, paralyzing fear that there may be nothing at the end of this road.

It feels like the ocean's waves. Pulling me back and spewing me forward as I crash on the sand, only to be pulled back right before I can fully catch my breath again. I feel out of control, nauseous, scared...wondering if it will ever stop. But, I just keep churning and churning and churning.

I repeat words like "hope" and phrases like "maybe one day" as if they are my religion. Because, really, they are all I have. Our lives hang on "if". IF I get pregnant this cycle, MAYBE ONE DAY we'll finally need that second bedroom. For the past four years, we have selected cars based on whether the backseat can fit a car seat or not. If we purchase this "family friendly" car, maybe one day it will hold our dream come true.

I avoid the deep thoughts, because, if I go there, I fear it could be never-ending. The pain, the what if's, the constant churning. I start to get a headache, and then that familiar lump of anxiety forms in my throat. My chest feels tight, and I can't breathe.

And that's why I don't see the big picture anymore.

Life on Lupron Depot: Weeks Three through Six

Here are more Lupron updates for anyone that may be following along on this lovely, cracked out adventure.

Previous Lupron Depot Cracked Out Adventure Posts

• Life on Lupron Depot: The First Two Weeks
• Tough.

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At the four week mark (end of shot #1), I had an appointment with my doctor to determine my Lupron progress, if any. I walked into the office with a whole speech in my head about why I was apprehensive of shot #2. Once my doctor got in the room, I spoke up about my concerns and told him about my sudden nosedive from a fairly normal, stable person to an anxious troll who needed to go hyperventilate in the corner on a regular basis.  He told me it was fairly normal to feel this way on Lupron. Huh? He said it so casually like, "Eh, mental breakdown? No biggie." This bothered me because he never mentioned major psychological changes or an increase in anxiety as side effects prior to starting the Lupron. I was told I would have some hot flashes and feel moody. But, I was experiencing a lot more than a few sweaty hormonal moments.

After discussing it further, we came to the conclusion that while Lupron can increase anxiety levels, I was feeling off the charts anxious most likely because I already had an existing anxiety problem. He told me I could go back on Paxil for awhile if it would help. Also, at my request, he gave me the name of a psychologist who specializes in infertility. After we talked, I felt a decent amount of relief that what I was experiencing wasn't too far outside the norm of what Lupron does to you.

Then came time for the ultrasound.

From the looks of it, the Lupron helped in terms of quieting the endo down. Thank goodness! So basically with shot #1, the endo got a little drowsy. However, my doctor wanted the endo to be in full-on napping mode. He could still see some endo activity, so he ordered shot #2.

I had about three seconds to make a decision. I could stay an anxious troll for the next four weeks and put the endo to sleep; or put an end to this Lupron madness, but risk an endo flare that could compromise IVF 2.0. I decided to bend over and take shot #2 like a good girl. (That last sentence just sounds wrong.)

Weeks Three and Four: I wrote this note on my phone, "Week 3, Day 4 - throbbing headache, bad sleep, sluggish, anxious" I think that short note sums up my third week on Lupron. My last Lupron update also speaks to exactly how I felt during this time. I was paralyzed for two weeks. My anxiety made me so exhausted, but my brain wouldn't stop spinning. Between the insomnia and the night sweats, I wasn't getting much sleep. I could barely manage my routine schedule of work, home, eat, sleep, repeat. I lost my appetite (likely due to anxiety) and lost about five to eight pounds. Everything I read said I would gain weight. I am not saying this in a bragging way. I didn't look nor feel healthy. To sum it up, weeks three and four were bad. Very bad.

Weeks Five and Six: Week five was the week following shot #2. Strangely, I felt better during week five. My anxiety went away! Such a relief. My hot flashes and night sweats remained about the same, but as long as my anxiety was under control, I was fine. I also got my appetite back. L and I even went out of town for my birthday weekend. That was huge given that I had spent the last two weekends basically in bed due to exhaustion and mind altering anxiety. Week six ushered in anxiety (again). Shit. I guess my time to feel normal was short lived. The hot flashes and night sweats increased ten fold. I have been waking up at least a few times a night burning up. I have to lay on the floor with my pillow in front of an open bedroom window to get some relief. Week six is on its way out, and I continue to feel exhausted, anxious, and a little crampy.

Medication: I am taking a low dose of klonopin when I need it. This was approved by my doctor.

Additional Notes: I imagine my uterus and ovaries in this epic battle with the Lupron. My body just wants to be active and grow endo all over the place, but the mighty Lupron is swooping in and shutting it all down. Running these images over and over in my head is not only mildly entertaining, but also helps me feel a little better when I want to just break down. I am also grateful that I will not be on Lupron during the summer months. It is already getting pretty warm here in L.A., and I honestly do not think I could handle 90 to 100 degree summer heat with hot flashes.

I have two more weeks with the Lupron Depot treatment, and then we will talk more about IVF 2.0.

32.

So I got lost in the abyss of a Lupron-induced hallucination, and when I regained consciousness, I realized I was due for another birthday. Damn.

On Monday, I {quietly...shhhh} turned 32.

This video basically explains 32. 

For some unknown reason, I was really excited to turn 31. I wasn't a fan of 30, but 31...oh yeah...I was all about 31. I have no idea what my thirty second year has in store for me. I am kinda terrified while simultaneously feeling very excited.

It gets on my nerves when people try to tell others how to age. Whether we age gracefully or we act like blubbering babies at the arrival of yet another birthday, isn't it our right to act however the hell we want? As long as we aren't hurting anyone, who cares? I have found that I often have a wide range of emotions around my birthday. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes sad, sometimes grateful, sometimes depressed. I try not to get too down on myself when I feel anything less than elated about getting older.

We all know society is obsessed with youth and being young. Everything is so youth-driven. So, I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that some of us are confused and scared at the thought of getting older and fading from society's focus. For me, it isn't so much about becoming obsolete, but the simple fact that if I am getting older, everyone else around me is getting older, too. It is difficult to think about my parents and my grandparents aging. I was just telling my mom the other day that, in my mind, my grandparents are in their 60's, and she and my dad are in their 40's. I think of my little brothers as just kids. I know we are all getting older (I'm not delusional) but I kinda wish I could freeze time and keep all my loved ones healthy, vibrant, and happy. An impossible task.

There is so much beauty that comes with aging. I know that much. I am grateful for every single year even if some are harder to appreciate than others. Life is absolutely what we make of it.

In other news, I got a packet in the mail about my ten year college reunion. As much as I loved my college years, I am not ready for that. I may never be ready for that.

This is 32, friends.

 {Photos taken on a recent trip in honor of said birthday.}

Tough.

It has been a long, difficult week.

Personal updates...The Lupron Depot has kicked in full strength. It was semi-amusing to spend two full weeks wondering what a hot flash was. Well, now I know. But, the most debilitating part of this journey thus far has been the anxiety. My anxiety is worse than it has been in over a year. It is tough for me to get through most days without feeling like I am on the verge of falling apart. I am trying to avoid anxiety medication right now, so I am turning to natural remedies as much as possible. Meditation seems to be helping a bit. I am eating as well as I can, trying to drink more water, and exercising whenever possible. I keep reminding myself that this will not last forever. I am relying on faith to get me through the rough times. I have an appointment on Monday to find out if the Lupron is working at all. I am finding it tough to believe that the anxiety I am experiencing is normal. We'll see what the doctor says. If anyone can spare any positive thoughts, I would so welcome them right now.

Boston Montage via Wikipedia

In other news, I wanted to acknowledge the events that occurred in Boston. I know it has been awhile, but I haven't blogged since it all happened. My connection to Boston, while it probably seems trivial to some, is important to me. I went to undergrad in Western Massachusetts, and my friends and I were in Boston every chance we got. I love Boston. I miss it. I see it in my dreams. L and I have even talked about moving there (a far off dream). I am keeping the people of Boston and the victims of this senseless, disgusting attack close to my heart. The stories of bravery, strength, and compassion that have come to light remind me of why I will always love this city that took really good care of a young, aimless LA girl who was thousands of miles away from home. I am forever grateful for that.

Wishing you all a safe, healthy and happy weekend. Be good to yourselves.

Life on Lupron Depot: The First Two Weeks

Lupron Depot is an intramuscular shot. Depending on the dosage, you can take the shot once a month or once every three months for a total of six months. When taken for endometriosis, it supposedly "suppresses the signals from the pituitary gland in the brain to the ovaries that stimulate estrogen production." (http://www.endofacts.com/how-lupron-depot-works.aspx) Basically, it shuts everything down and, as a result, you get menopause-like symptoms.

It has been about two weeks since I had my first monthly Lupron Depot injection. I was SO nervous about it! Everything you read about Lupron Depot (I'm just going to call it "Lupron" throughout the rest of this post) online is horrible. I have a well documented "issue" of googling symptoms, so you can imagine my anxiety over getting this shot. But I did it, and now here I sit, with a full-on mustache. No, totally kidding. No mustache...yet.

Here is my experience thus far:

• Injection: The shot itself was not painful. I felt a little woozy for a few minutes after the injection, but it passed pretty quickly. The evening of the shot my left butt cheek was sore, but not unbearable. 
• Week One: I experienced an increase in my endometriosis pain which felt like mild, persistent cramps all across my lower abdominal region. I also had some shooting pains near my ovaries. The pain was not debilitating and I was able to get on with my normal daily routine. I started having some problems going to sleep. Lastly, I generally did not feel wonderful and I had an increase in anxiety. But again, it was tolerable.
• Week Two: I started noticing some changes in mood. I was quick to get angry or exasperated throughout the day. My self-control was still there though. No temper tantrums. My moderate anxiety continued, but I was also going through some transitions in other parts of my life, so maybe the anxiety stemmed from that? I continued to have sleep problems. I know this is the Lupron at work, because I normally do not have trouble going to sleep or sleeping through the night. The only time I have sleep disturbances are when I have really high anxiety. 
• Birth Control Pills with Lupron: I was actually finishing up a packet of birth control pills which coincided with my Lupron injection, so my doctor wanted me to finish the pills. This may be why the more severe side effects did not hit yet. 
• Bleeding on Lupron: At the end of the second week, my pills ran out, and I got a period. Wonderful. My doctor said to expect a "small" period, whatever that means. My periods are never small, and I was hoping that I would be one of the lucky ones who didn't bleed while on Lupron. I looked it up, and apparently a lot of women do get a period, and then eventually the bleeding tapers off as they continue treatments. My first period while on Lupron was average. Not heavier, not lighter. With lots of cramps and popping Advil like candy. 
• Start of Week Three: I am now in my third week. I am still bleeding a little bit, and I think I got my first hint of a hot flash. I was sitting at the dining table having a conversation with my mom, and I felt a wave of heat and a little bit of panic come over me. It passed pretty quickly, but it wasn't a great feeling. I have a feeling that hot flashes will be making themselves known during weeks three and four. Moderate anxiety is still there. Sleep is getting a tiny bit better. I also don't feel as crampy now that my period is practically over. 

Overall, I feel like the full extent of Lupron has not hit me yet. I think it is a bit premature to have much of an opinion about it given that I was still taking birth control pills into the second week. However, I want to put my entire experience from beginning to end out there. Reading other blogs has been an invaluable resource for me since starting this treatment. I don't feel so alone when I read the words of other women who have taken Lupron before me. Whether their experiences were positive or negative, helpful or not, they still lend a voice to a journey which can be scary and intimidating. 

   

Quieting the Noise: Baby/Pregnancy Crazy Gossip Rags

jezebel

In keeping with my 2013 theme of self-care, I wanted to talk about another way I have simplified my life and quieted the noise. Gossip rags used to be my guilty pleasure. I am from L.A. so that makes sense. Every morning I would check in with People, Us Weekly, TMZ, and Perez Hilton. Man, I used to read Perez religiously. Do people still read Perez after he got super skinny and...nice? I also used to read People Magazine's Moms and Babies Blog because I apparently enjoyed self-torture.

Anyway, a few months back, I was in another one of my purging moods and I decided to nix my daily fix of gossip reading. I banned myself from checking any of the above websites. I also unfollowed the tabloids via Twitter and all forms of social media. I did this under the premise that I needed to cleanse myself of fake news and instead replace it with a little insight into what has been going on in...I don't know...the real world. Huh? World news?

Well, at least, that is what I told myself at the time. I think my real motive was more along the lines of distancing myself from the baby mania that is tearing through the celebrity world right now. If you haven't noticed, the celebrity world is baby and pregnancy CRAZY. Every time I visited a tabloid website, I was greeted with, yet, another pregnancy announcement or a picture of some celebrity's growing baby bump (more like twenty five pictures of growing baby bumps from all different angles). I am not talking about "important" celebrities either. Apparently you don't have to be a star these days to get your pregnancy announced. You can be the girlfriend of J. Lo's back up dancer's understudy.

This shit is out of control.

So yeah, while this post may paint me as a bitter infertile who hates baby bumps (I really don't) I would like to hope it also paints me as someone who understandably has no room for this in my life at the moment. Like anyone, I have my bad days and may not be in the mood to let it all run off my back so easily. On ugly days, I would put myself through this stupid, toxic thought process of, "OMG, she is pregnant. But, she does drugs/drinks/is named Snooki. How could she possibly be pregnant?" While celebrity babies are certainly not the be all, end all of infertile breaking points for me, I could do without knowing about Kim Kardashian's questionable maternity fashion decisions with my morning coffee.*

And so far this experiment has worked! I put some distance between myself and the tabloids, and I really don't miss all of that fluff at all nor do I have many of my toxic thought pattern moments. I am not fanatical about it. Sometimes you just need some form of guilty pleasure in your life. I totally get that. But lately, due to the aforementioned celebrity baby craze, it just wasn't working for me, and I decided to do something about it. Perhaps one day I will return to my celebrity gossip rag days, but for now, you can find me on cnn.com trying to get smarter and shit.

 
*While I don't tune into the tabloids anymore, I do read yahoo.com and they alerted me to this phenomenon.

Post-IVF Health and Endometriosis

I finished this just in time for the conclusion of Endometriosis Awareness Month (March)! This post is based solely on my personal experiences. You should talk to your doctor first about medications, supplements, and endometriosis treatment plans. 

After IVF1 in July 2012, I was a depressed mess. My belly was swollen and looking very odd (read: squishy) after all the fertility drugs. I felt sluggish and was having frequent stomachaches. I am also convinced that my endometriosis worsened due to all the estrogen I pumped into my body. Despite my hot mess status, I found myself wishing we could jump right back into pursuing more treatment. I knew that wouldn't happen, mostly because of my mental status and finances, but I was so desperate to get that positive pregnancy test. When you are going through fertility treatments and receiving negative results, you tend to get a tad obsessive about "next steps". It feels like if you don't have a plan B, C, and D, you will fall off the edge of the Earth. Or at least that's how it felt for me.

So when our fertility doctor suggested I go on birth control indefinitely, I was crushed.  I wanted to have the chance to try naturally after IVF. It made me really sad and anxious to think we would just be "wasting time" with me on the pill. However, I listened to my doctor and I had a moment of clarity. It was highly unlikely that we would get pregnant naturally. We had tried that method before, and unfortunately I am likely not in that special group of endo women that can achieve a natural pregnancy. I had to let go of that mindset for the time being. It doesn't mean it couldn't happen. Miracles happen every day (as we know), but for now, I had to give my poor body a break and re-group.

The Birth Control Pill & Lupron Depot

Being on the pill for the past eight months has been an overall positive experience. I know the pill is basically only a temporary (if any) fix for endometriosis. However, after IVF, it seems to have been helpful for me. No nightmare periods. Minimal hormonal mood swings. Minimal endometriosis pain. My body needed this after all the IVF drugs. The best benefit of all? My endometrioma cysts are smaller. It has taken almost a year, but they are shrinking. Part of me hates to put that in writing for fear that they will hear me and start growing again, but there it is. I had an ultrasound last week, and it seems they are smaller. I believe this is due to the pill, and also my commitment to a healthier diet.

On the insistence of my doctor, this Friday I start Lupron Depot for a month maybe two. This freaks me out to no end, but I am following the advice of my doctor. I am going to suck it up and put on my big girl panties. More on Lupron to come...

Diet

There is so much literature out there these days that talks about how diet helps your fertility and can reduce your endometriosis. I have spent hours reading about it. What has been frustrating is the fact that a lot of the articles and websites aren't based on much (if any) scientific evidence. Or if they are, they are based on one random study done in a foreign country and you have no idea how they got the results they did. Then there are the fertility-related forums and chat boards that mean well, but are basically sharing old wives' tale type advice. "I ate 15 oranges a day during my IVF cycle, and now I'm 5 months pregnant!" The next day I'm at the grocery store stock piling oranges. But then the day after that I read some Chinese medicine article that tells me to avoid oranges like the plague. It is VERY confusing.

For women with endometriosis, it gets even trickier. Endometriosis comes with its own set of dietary restrictions and special considerations. However, nothing is really a sure thing. Here is what I am doing to work on my diet. I started with the Body Ecology Diet. I bought the book on my Nook and read through it rather quickly. I found a lot of helpful tips, and learned about how essential it is to have a healthy digestive tract. The diet is very strict and involves a heavy level of commitment. So far, I have not been able to commit to all of its tenets, however, I have found that loosely following the diet has been helpful. L has been participating in all this dietary experiment. Naturally, he has lost fifteen pounds. I have lost none. I don't really care, because I am not in it to lose weight. I'm thrilled for him though!

I have dozens of links about lifestyle changes for endometriosis bookmarked on my laptop, but the one that is the most clear and basic is this link on endometriosis from the University of Maryland Medical Center's Complementary Medicine department. The information is concise and the "Nutrition and Supplements" section is packed with a wealth of knowledge. So far, I am taking prenatal vitamins religiously, trying to up my Vitamin C in the form of Emergen-C as often as I remember, and I decided to try out an antioxidant, natural plant extract called pycnogenol. Again, even with some scientific evidence, there still isn't a clear link between taking the supplement and suppressing endometriosis. But, I liked what I read, and decided to give it a try. I have been taking it for about two months. My fertility doctor recommended CoQ10. I tried it, and for some reason, it upset my stomach. However, now that IVF2 is in sight, I may just take one for the team and try it again. I have also been reading about evening primrose oil, turmeric, and chasteberry. There comes a point where you need to draw the line with supplements. It can get pricey, and again, I'll harp on the lack of scientific evidence to support their claims of effectiveness. I am currently attempting to figure out how many pills I really want/need to take each day.

Pinterest has been wonderful for finding recipes and food experimentation. My "Food" board on Pinterest is a mix of healthy and some not so healthy recipes. However, we have tried out most of the healthy recipes and miraculously haven't hated any of them! Check out my Food board here. Please let me know if you have any questions. I would love to write a post about how we have finally found a way to cook in our house. We'll see if I ever get around to it. :)

Environmental Toxins

I have tried to be pretty vigilant about avoiding products made with BPA. I used to drink SO much bottled water. Even when all of the BPA studies came out on baby bottles and plastic water bottles, I continued to drink from them, because it was convenient at the time. It may not make a huge difference, but I finally kicked the bottled water to the curb. I bought myself a Klean Kanteen, and I have never looked back.

I used to wear tampons from time to time. I have stopped that. Tampons are terrible for my endometriosis pain. I read up on the use of chlorine in feminine hygiene products. That kinda freaked me out, because as an endo girl, I use maxi pads like they are going out of style. I looked into reusable cloth pads (yes, they exist.) I decided I didn't want to go that extreme, so I settled on these Chlorine Free Ultra Thin pads from Seventh Generation. I love them. I buy them at Whole Foods, and they are a little pricier than my old Stayfree with Wings pads, but I feel the extra money is worth it. I don't like the idea of all those chemicals chillin' with my vagina. Actually, looking into what your feminine hygiene products are made of is probably something all women should look into, not just those of us with endometriosis.

Meditation

On most days, I try to devote a little time (30 minutes or less. Usually less.) to meditation. I did four months of intensive acupuncture (one hour long appointments two to three times per week) and didn't really feel like it helped me. I want to put that out there, because almost everything I read about increasing your fertility advocates for acupuncture. It may not be for everyone. It also may not be the magic pregnancy solution. My evidence for this claim: I did not get pregnant. Also, my endometriosis actually got worse following my treatments. I developed that humongous endometrioma and had to be rushed to the ER. Maybe it was a coincidence? I don't know. My acupuncturist was also extremely expensive and not covered by insurance. Since moving on from acupuncture, I have found that meditation has been of great benefit. My anxiety has been somewhat controllable, and my energy levels are improving. I have tried to be as consistent as possible, however, some days, I just forget to do it. I do my best to forgive myself, and look forward to another day. I have found some great meditation music on YouTube, and haven't spent a dime on my meditation efforts. Just yesterday I started Oprah and Deepak's 21-Day Meditation Challenge. I am really excited for this opportunity, and hope to write another post about it when I finish the program.

Mental Break

As I mentioned above, I didn't think I needed a break after IVF. This is because I was delusional. I have needed these past eight months very badly. I took a mental break from infertility. I set goals. I worked hard. I gave myself time to heal. I made peace with the fact that my whole "motherhood by age 30" idea was not going to happen. I had to let that go. I accepted the fact that if I ever get to be someone's mom (whether at 30, 40, or 50) I would be so incredibly lucky. It is hard to rationalize a broken heart and let go of lost dreams, but I think I have done the best I possibly can. I try to connect daily with my gratitude for even having the chance to pursue another round of IVF. As much as it scares me to have to go through this intense process again, to me, it is worth every penny, and (quite literally) my blood, sweat, and tears. Having this down time was such an essential part of coming to these realizations and making peace with them.

Anyone else want to share tips, experiences, comments? Feel free!

 

Here We Go Again.

focus

At some point (I don't know exactly when but soon) we will be re-embarking on our (in)fertility journey. It's been almost a year, and we are more or less ready. The physical, emotional, and financial scars have healed as much as they are going to heal. It is simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying, as these things always seem to be. I have done a lot of soul searching, thinking, wishing, meditating, dreaming and praying about this decision. It still feels right for us to pursue treatment (IVF). The day that it doesn't feel right is the day we stop and examine our other options. But, for now, this is where we are at.

I blogged about IVF #1 after it was over. This time around, I am thinking about keeping a private blog for myself, and starting a new Twitter account where I can talk about all things IVF and infertility related. Sometimes I will pull posts from the private blog and post them on this blog. I think this is a good compromise, because, as I have talked about before, I prefer that this blog not be solely about infertility.

In terms of Twitter, I really miss Twitter and the wonderful community I became a part of a couple of years ago. It's been awhile since I was truly active via my normal account. I still pop on every now and then and read my timeline, but I started pulling away before we started our first cycle of IVF. I can't remember exactly why I stopped tweeting. I think it was a combination of feeling overwhelmed by my own life's circumstances, and also feeling like I had a lot of Debbie Downer shit to say. So I kinda just slithered away.

For these reasons, I have decided to start a new Twitter handle where I plan on blabbing as much as I want about everything infertility-related and IVF-related. If you would like to follow along, my handle is @LifeandIVF. Again, this will be an account devoted to infertility and this new journey with (hopefully) some every day life stuff thrown in, too. I am definitely keeping my other handle. Even though it's "on hiatus" indefinitely, I would love to get back to tweeting on that account at some point. I am just not sure when.

Thank you to the readers and friends who have stuck around over the years. I have learned so much from all of you, and I am forever grateful.

Here we go again.

 

Taking Pictures.

I have hundreds (maybe thousands) of iPhone photos of my dogs. Dogs sleeping, playing, rolling, yawning, blinking, breathing. Yes, my dogs are my fur children, and, while it can be excessive at times, I do not apologize for it.

This week I vowed to take more pictures of my life, our lives, little moments.

Reminding myself to take a few pictures here and there made me realize how lazy I have become. L and I used to pose in front of every camera pointed in our direction within a five mile radius. So we have like eight million pictures of us from 2005. But it seems that after ten years of couple-ness we have lost our photo mojo.

This was fun, and I hope to make more of an effort in the future!

Have a great weekend, everyone. 

Facing Fears: The Dentist Edition

I never loved the dentist. I have a sensitive gag reflex (insert inappropriate joke here). I also hate the sound and smell of those drills. I have had to deal with judgmental, condescending dentists and hygienists in the past, and I think that compounded my discomfort with dental work. But despite all of these negative associations, I have had extensive oral surgery (I had way too many teeth for my little mouth), full braces (with those horrid rubber band things), numerous x-rays, a root canal, and numerous fillings performed. All without any real problems beyond a general distaste for being in the dentist chair. All of this work was done more than ten years ago.

However, since having extreme anxiety and being prone to panic attacks, my fear of the dentist turned into this epic battle of Carly versus dental drills all over the world. It started innocently enough. Awhile back, I realized I really needed to schedule a cleaning. When was my last cleaning? After some quick research, I  discovered I had not actually had my teeth cleaned since I was in college. Maybe 2001 or 2002? YIKES. I had been back to the dentist to get a few fillings taken care of over the years, but I hadn't actually had a cleaning in almost TEN years?!? There was always an excuse. No dental insurance. I moved and didn't have a local dentist. I was too busy. Blah blah blah.

Once I discovered I hadn't had an actual cleaning in almost ten years, I panicked. There was no way I could face the dentist due to my newly acquired "problem" of having panic attacks. I was going to die in that chair. No wait, first I would gag, then I would die. I started googling local dentists who specialized in putting their patients under for cleanings. I wanted to be knocked out for a 40 minute cleaning. We aren't even talking about fillings or root canals at this point. Just a fucking cleaning. Okay, so I had a problem...and it was all in my head.

Here is how I worked on solving my problem. A few months back, I decided I couldn't go back to the dentist without some sort of anxiety medication. I called my regular doctor, scheduled a check-up with her, and she hesitantly gave me a prescription for klonopin. I say "hesitantly" because she really didn't want me on pills. I was finally off Paxil (woohoo!), and doing well, so she really didn't want me to feel like I needed to rely on more pills. Fair enough. But, at that point, I didn't really give a shit, and just wanted her to give me the good stuff.

So I left my doctor's office feeling somewhat relieved. Having those pills in my hand gave me the strength to schedule an appointment for a cleaning. When the time came for the appointment, I had already considered cancelling it a half dozen times. But I tried to be strong, and I decided I would take half a klonopin before the appointment and see how I felt. The klonopin worked pretty well, and I managed to get through the cleaning with only minor feelings of anxiety. AMAZING. Also, my new dentist was SO nice and knew I was feeling scared. He reassured me and made me feel much more at ease. He was very matter of fact, and told me I had cavities, but didn't harp on it.

At the end of my cleaning, I felt pretty proud of myself, except for the fact I had a few (5) cavities, and the klonopin made me kinda woozy. I was nauseous the day after, which wasn't fun. However, I survived.

Yesterday was my first appointment to get half the fillings done. I felt a little stronger and braver than I had before my first cleaning in ten years, so I decided to try sitting in the chair without the klonopin. I'm not sure if it was a mistake, but my heart was beating so fast, and I was a hot mess. I maintained my composure, but my insides were twisting and turning. I had forgotten about all the drilling and intimidating dental equipment involved in filling a cavity. Why I was so afraid of a cleaning when it was cake compared to a filling? I have no idea. I managed to breathe my way through the rest of the appointment, and left feeling numb and sore, but still pretty good. I have one more appointment left to fill the cavities on the other side of my mouth, and I haven't yet decided if I will go back to the klonopin or not. I absolutely don't feel like taking the medication makes me a weakling or any less strong mentally. My issue is that I don't want to feel nauseous the next day. Hahahaha!

I don't know if I will always feel this anxious for dental appointments. I really hope not. I have spent a lot of time getting down on myself thinking "This is ridiculous. Five years ago I could walk into a dental office. No sweat. What is wrong with me?" Truthfully, I don't really know why my mind works differently now. I don't know why I over-think everything. I am working on trying to figure it all out. But, in the meantime, I am celebrating all my victories (no matter how small) and taking pride in the fact that I am facing my fears.

Any other dental-phobes out there? Don't feel like you have to share if you don't want to. It was pretty damn hard for me to admit that I haven't had a cleaning in ten years. I mean, ummm, gross. But, yeah, that's my story.