Anxiety and Relapsing

For the past couple of weeks, anxiety has been sneakily and subtly creeping back in my life. It started out like before: a distinct feeling of being overwhelmed. I was in a public place, and all of a sudden, I had a heightened sense of awareness of what was going on around me. Every sight, every sound, every tremor was brighter, louder, and shakier than I previously knew it to be. Then my throat felt funny; like it was getting increasingly hard to swallow. I woke up in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason, and needed the television to lull me back to sleep. I had to take deep breaths more and more just to feel like I was getting the tiniest puff of air in my lungs.

Tasks take longer.
Responsibilities are paralyzing.
Motivations are muted.

I made an appointment with my doctor to get my thyroid checked. When my anxiety ramps up, I am usually convinced my symptoms are due to some minor physical ailment like, maybe, end stage cancer? I had some tests run (which thankfully all came back normal). I had a talk with my doctor about what has been going on. She listened to my concerns. She took me seriously (which I really appreciate). She wondered if maybe allergies were to blame for my throat feeling tight? I guess my tonsils looked a little enlarged. I humored her that maybe it was allergies after all. That maybe it was just enlarged tonsils. But we both knew that it was probably not allergies or enlarged tonsils.

I am dealing with a relapse of anxiety.

I cannot pinpoint exactly what is causing the relapse. If only it were that easy?! Life is busy right now, but no busier than it was two months ago or two months before that. Perhaps it is residual stress that has been building, and it is just manifesting itself now? I have no clue.

In a moment of trying to "fix" his freaked out wife, L asked me if I wanted to go back on Paxil. He got a firm "no" in response. For now, I will not go back on medication unless there are literally no options left. If you want to know why, read my posts about Paxil withdrawals here and here.

I have been looking into cognitive behavioral therapy. Therapy has always been on the table, but I have yet to actually make the call and see someone. I don't know why. Maybe I'm skeptical? Scared?

When it comes to the deep breathing, the meditation, the yoga, and all the other "clear your mind" techniques, I have found that they are only temporary fixes. Sometimes they don't even make a dent in my anxiety. At the end of the day, I am stuck with me. To help my anxiety, I have to go back to the basics: my thought patterns.

I have a hard time letting go. This pertains to most aspects of my life. I hold on, and hold on...and hold on some more. I am also extremely hard on myself. It is not uncommon for me to beat myself over things that have long been said and done or to worry immensely about events that have yet to happen.

I am remembering to let go, and not be so hard on myself. I am letting others in, and asking for help. I am remembering that I deserve a pat on the back every now and then. I am doing nice things for myself on occasion. I am remembering life isn't that hard nor is it that dramatic. My anxiety makes everything much harder and more dramatic than it needs to be. I am working on remaining in the present, and not focusing on the past or the future.

The seemingly simple act of changing my thought patterns has been doing a pretty decent job of combating my anxiety. I am still fighting an uphill battle, but I am trying to be as proactive as possible and am working to fix this latest relapse before it gets out of hand. I am determined not to fall down the anxiety rabbit hole ever again.

Anyone out there dealt with anxiety or anxiety relapses? How do you cope?

Inspiration and Journals

I have been desperately searching every nook and cranny of my brain for inspiration. This has gone on for awhile. I love to feel inspired, and I feel like my creative juices have dried up, and all my brain power has been taken up by trying to answer futile questions like, "Why am I not pregnant?" and "Why do we have so many bills?" All of that is a part of my life, but man, how freaking depressing!

I was aimlessly hunting around online earlier today, and came across some beautiful journals on Anthropologie's website. I stared at the pictures, and for the first time in a long time, I felt inspired.

{image 1,2,3}

I am considering starting a journal again. Not like the kind I kept in middle school. "Dear Diary, Today I went to school. Then I came home." More like an unstructured collection of my thoughts, inspirations, snippets of life, recipes, etc. (Recipes. Did you catch that one? Bahaha!) Blogs can be journals, but mine really hasn't been that way for a long time. Who knows? Maybe a written journal will help inspire some ideas for the blog.

It's the beginning of the year which means I am still allowed to believe I can successfully integrate personal projects like this into my life, right?

Where do you find inspiration for blog posts? Where do you find creative inspiration for your life? Ever feel like you are caught in a creative funk?

An M83 Kind of Night

Last week, L and I caught an M83 concert at Club Nokia in downtown LA. It was my Christmas present from L and the pups. ;) 

M83 was fantastic in concert, and the venue was a lot of fun. Intimate and pretty cool.

If you've never heard of M83, you might recognize this popular song, Midnight City, off the new album.

Don't mind my odd hair. I'm growing it out right now. Or trying to. 

Today's Outfit:

Chiffon Puff Sleeve Blouse {American Apparel}

Black Skinny Jeans {Gap}

Boots {Ann Taylor LOFT} 

Necklace {Modcloth}

The Fertility Treatment Slow Lane

You know those blog posts you read from pregnant women, "Things No One Told Me About Pregnancy"? There should also be one entitled "Things No One Told Me About Infertility and/or Fertility Treatments". 

I feel like I am perpetually one step behind, and constantly clawing to catch up. There is no real way to be fully prepared for infertility and/or fertility treatments unless (a) you studied reproductive endocrinology in medical school or (b) there is no b. It's like that dream where you wake up and you slept through final exams. You feel insecure, inadequate, and like you are screwing your life up big time. Damn, I hate that dream. That's kind of how all of this feels, except it's real life. I am so unprepared for what is behind the next door of infertility fun.

But getting back to things no one told me - I have a big one. No one told me that fertility treatments can be delayed, or worse, cancelled. In my mind, the doctor spells out a particular treatment plan, the patient adheres to the protocol, and then anxiously awaits the results. All of the anxiety and potential heartache lies in the results a.k.a. are you pregnant or not? I somehow failed to take into account that we are dealing with our bodies here. Fertility drugs may or may not help things along. Procedures may or may not improve your chances of success. Our bodies will react or not react however they damn please.

For example, take my situation. I've been living in a strange gray area called, "Three months and No IUI."

I started treatment with my fertility doctor about three months ago, and we have been sidelined three cycles in a row. Why? Two different cysts and a bad reaction to the fertility drug, Clomid. That's the long and the short of it. I don't have the time nor the care to map out how this makes me feel. Actually, you can probably guess how this makes me feel. What's the word? Mad? Not really. Sad? Eh. Frustrated? Bingo.

No one told me you could get fertility treatment blue balls. And, yet, here I am, with one of the worst cases of IUI blue balls on record. Apparently, my body is in the fertility treatment slow lane. She's got an attitude like, "Oh, you thought I was just gonna do what you wanted? You wish, bitch!"

As each day passes, I am learning I have less and less control over where my body wants to go or what my body wants to do next.  I am just a passenger along for the ride. Cue more frustration.

Any friends want to share other things no one told you about infertility and/or fertility treatments? Maybe we can all learn something.

Domestic Pressure and A Lightbulb Moment

As a married woman in my thirties, I have felt a good amount of internal and external pressure lately to partake in domestic activities. If you've read this blog for awhile or even just look at the blog's title you know that I'm certainly not the perfect homemaker. It isn't a big surprise or anything. Thankfully, L likes to vacuum, so it balances everything out, right?

This year at a Christmas gathering, L's aunties were laying the domestic pressure on thick. They kept asking L what I cook for him during the week. They asked me what my favorite dishes were to prepare, and they laughed when I said, "I dunno. Breakfast foods?"

It was awkward. Now that I think about it, I do have a few culinary tricks up my sleeve, but I got flustered and couldn't think straight. It just isn't a question I was accustomed to answering in my twenties. Now I'm a somewhat older wife, and it's like, "Am I supposed to be ironing shit on Sunday afternoons while the casserole bakes?"

I know the brigade of aunties and my MIL think my lack of domesticity is hilarious. I'm glad I can provide this comedic service for them. But funniness aside, it doesn't negate the fact that I felt inadequate standing there, and perplexed as to why this even mattered.

Later, I started thinking more deeply about domestic responsibility, and why it is such a point of contention for me. I was raised to believe that cooking and cleaning were the last things I should know how to do. My career ambitions and ability to stand on my own always came first. I went to an all women's college where they turned their noses up at the thought of a woman keeping house and/or taking care of her husband. These values were such a stronghold in my life that it almost felt like a betrayal if I admitted that sometimes I like to bake cookies. But, who was I betraying? I guess I was betraying some young college girl's fantasy of what it means to be a liberated woman. Ha! Good luck with that, twenty-one year old Carly.

The truth is that I actually want to learn how to cook. I actually enjoy caring for my husband (sometimes), and fussing over him (most of the time). These things do not make me needy, antiquated, or pathetic. I have little desire in perfecting the art of homemaking. That much I know. But, I can take snippets from here and there, and decide what I want to add to my skill set, and what I don't. I think it's pretty fabulous that the modern woman can be a little of everything: educated and ambitious with the ability to cook a mean turkey chili when she feels like it.

So cooking - yes. I need to get my ass in gear with that. But cleaning? Well, that's another story. I like to buy pretty things for our house, but I'm not a fan of cleaning, and I refuse to get excited about cleaning products. Oh L, remember how much you like to scrub things and organize? Knock yourself out!

With that said, one of my "goals" for 2012 is to improve my cooking skills. I've enlisted my mom in helping me with this task. She's been making delicious meals for her family for over thirty years, and I couldn't think of a better teacher. I already had her teach me how to make the simplest little holiday cheesecakes.

I took some to the family New Year's gathering the other day. While we were driving to L's cousin's house L was like, "Those look amazing, honey!" I replied coolly, "Yea, they're called Shut the Fuck Up cakes."

I'm not doing this for anyone but myself and to eventually feed yet-to-be-conceived kids, but I'm sure it will feel pretty damn good to shut people up for awhile.

On Resolutions

Before I babble on about the new year, I hope all of you enjoyed your holidays! For us, Christmas 2011 was a time to be with family, eat, and relax.

***

L and I decided to go on a walk just the two of us the day after Christmas. We don't exercise together anymore after L joined a gym, and I have been working out on my own. While working out separately was a great decision for both of us, I still miss that alone time we used to carve out for ourselves.

We walked and talked for awhile, and somehow the topic of New Year's resolutions was brought up. Both of us are not really into making resolutions. We've had a few fleeting "I'm gonna lose ten pounds" declarations throughout the years, but they usually fly out the window by February.

I enjoyed our discussion, and believe that we came out of it with a new set of goals in mind. We've both been very goal-oriented lately, and I think it has done wonders to help us in planning for our future, both immediate and long term.

After sharing our goals and dreams for 2012, we made a pit stop near the ocean to take in the views. It left me feeling good about what is in store for the new year.

Do you make resolutions every year? Do you have a list of goals for 2012?

On Perspective

I haven't been able to keep up with #WEVerb11, but, truth be told, I never intended on answering every prompt. To me, the point is to find a way to reflect on the past twelve months, and to find nuggets of truth and meaning that are important to YOU. This post is kind of an all-encompassing #WEVerb11 response.

It has taken me this entire month, but I finally had a light bulb moment about 2011. I have been digging deep trying to find the purpose as to why L and I have run into so many obstacles, why I don't have many good things to say about this year, why I just want this year to end, etc. The conclusion is that there is no concrete answer to any of it. Twelve months have passed, and this is what we have to show for it.

Then it dawned on me: perspective. I need to do a better job of putting it all in perspective. We are fortunate to have health insurance, and that it covered my surgery and various health-related hiccups we have faced in 2011. Insurance does not cover fertility treatments making us even more fortunate to have the opportunity to pursue them. We have a roof over our heads, clothing on our backs, nutritious food and clean water at our disposal. We have been given the chance to pursue our dreams. We are blessed. I am not trying to devalue my pain and suffering, or anyone else's for that matter. It is all relative. However, it has really helped me to change my perspective a little and remember to stay grateful.

With that said, my mom sent me this article called "16 Ways to Make an Incredible Impact with Less than $15" from Oprah.com awhile back. I bookmark'ed it for future reference. You don't have to have a lot of money or time in order to impact the lives of others.

I'm dedicating this post to being grateful and giving back. 

Happy Holidays, everyone! 

And I Finally Cried.

I looked back at my posts lately, and realized that I don't have much to show for my writing (or my life for that matter) other than blubbering on about trying to conceive. It has become somewhat of an obsession; an obsession that I would like to make peace with for awhile. While trying to conceive has been a constant in our lives for a long time - living, thinking, and breathing infertility has reached epic proportions lately. In short, I need to cool it.

The clincher occurred late last week when we were told our latest IUI was postponed. Our first attempt was cancelled. I never told you about that, because it was horrible, and I am trying to erase it from short term memory. But after this latest road block, I broke. As I sat in my fertility doctor's reception area waiting to pay him $200 for more bad news, I literally wanted to scream. Infertility, you broke me. Congratulations, f*cker.

Nothing has been easy for us; not one step. I could not placate my feelings for another moment. I finally accessed those tears I told you about that went missing during the earlier part of this year. I let the overwhelming sadness in my heart mingle with the disappointment in my mind. Heart and mind had a long, overdue rendezvous, and it wasn't pretty. I told L that he should consider finding another woman in his life, because I wasn't cutting it anymore. Not a personal high point. He held me, and we cried together. Our marriage is far from perfect, but whoa, we still totally love each other. How is that even possible after all the shit we've been through? I cried to my mom about all of the infertile things I could never say to her over the past two years. She listened through the phone, and told me she already knew. Turns out moms feel everything we are going through even when we say nothing. At this point, she doesn't give a shit about grandchildren. She just wants me to be okay. She's told me that before, but I really needed to hear it at that very moment.

I've been quiet and contemplative the past few days. I think I need time to just be, and figure out where I am going from here. I had a different outlook on life before this baby stuff took over. It's difficult to see that outlook slipping into obscurity. I always said I wouldn't be that sad, barren woman. Lately, I am learning that I am that woman, and it's okay. I repeat: it's OKAY. It's okay to be sad sometimes. It's okay to feel defeated. I'm emotionally bruised and beaten up, but I'm still me.

The month of December has actually been pretty good for us minus the fertility treatments. I'm looking forward to a new year, and new opportunities. Hope is always there, but we need a fresh start. I was trying to be all cheery earlier this month, but, I just want this year to end. This makes my participation in WEVerb#11 a little tricky, but I still want to try and keep up with some of the prompts!

{Us at Joffrey Ballet's The Nutcracker. Doesn't L look beyond excited for his first ballet?!}

Thank you all for your continued support. I'm thinking of all of you this holiday season whether single, dating, married, divorced, child-free, trying to conceive, infertile, pregnant, or parents! Did I miss anyone? You have been such lights in my life.

Body Image Amidst TTC and Chronic Illness

In the past few years, my body image has faced a couple of heavy hitters. We have been trying to conceive for an estimated twenty-four cycles (not sure of the exact number) without a positive. I have endometriosis which leaves me fatigued and in pain on select days throughout the month. Now we are on the cusp of starting fertility treatments, and I've read that fertility medications can cause your weight to fluctuate, hair to change, stomach to swell, skin to break out. Holy shit, what else? My uterus might pop up and sing me a lullaby? To say the least, maintaining a positive body image is a constant battle.

I think it is common to have negative feelings toward your body when it has disappointed you in some way, shape or form. It is easy to get discouraged when you are trying month after month to do something that is supposed to just be a natural part of life, and it isn't happening. It has made me feel inadequate. It has made me angry. It has made my anxiety soar.

When I was first diagnosed with severe endometriosis, I was relieved to finally have an answer to my pain and misery. However, I was also upset. Why did I have to have this condition? I felt like writing my body a little note. "Dear body, F*CK YOU!"

I get good sleep. I don't smoke. I'm not overweight. I get adequate exercise. I shower daily. I do yoga.

WHY?

If this is about the time that I didn't work out for weeks at a time or ate all that cheese or made some other bad bodily decision...look, I'm sorry. I repent. I bow down to you.

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

I struggle often to be okay with my reality. It doesn't always happen. I've been through a lot of rough patches, and continue to work on eradicating the bad feelings.

Here are some things that have helped...

(a) Consistent exercise (duh). Sweating helps me feel like I'm making a difference. Some days I consider a simple walk outside exercise. I've also found that muscle tone is the key to sexiness which is the key to actually liking how my body looks. Self-esteem booster! Modified push-ups are always a good place to start in the muscle department.

(b) Eating well (duh). This is always easier said than done. See part (c) below.

(c) Giving myself a break. I might not be able to do everything I want to do, but I'm still doing pretty good physically. Bad days are what they are; bad days. I try to remember that they are always followed by good days. One meal of junk and fat can always be followed by a healthy food decision. Give yourself a BREAK.

(d) Trying to remember that (as far as I know) there is still a good possibility that I will one day be pregnant.

(e) Not getting too far ahead of myself. Endometriosis is a chronic, long term condition. It may never go away. Getting too far ahead of myself causes paralyzing fear. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, baby steps, etc. Remembering to live by these mantras has never failed to calm my anxiety.

As women, we battle issues of body image every day for a variety of different reasons. What are your reasons? Have you overcome your issues or are you still dealing with them?

WEVerb #3: Learn

Learn.  What lesson did you learn in 2011 from "The School of Life" rather than a classroom?

I learned a few things this year. One lesson isn't more important than the other two, so I figured I would share them all.

• You are stronger than you ever thought possible. 
• Always be grateful. 
• You can't control what others think of you. 

2011 was another tough year. I'm not being overly dramatic or negative. It's the truth, and I can't sugarcoat that. Adulthood doesn't come with instructions. Sometimes you are thrown into less than stellar situations, and it is up to you to figure out how to survive. L and I are still waiting to catch our break. It seems to have happened sooner in life for a lot of our friends (not just talking about a baby, by the way). But, we know there are good things to come, so we will keep looking ahead. 

Through the combination of a positive attitude and a grateful heart, I have been able to move mountains (or, at least, it feels that way). I am trying my best to be grateful for every moment, and the opportunities I have been afforded thus far in my life. I used to be spoiled. I used to be selfish. I used to take my good fortune for granted. Wow, I was a real gem. The things I considered "problems" seem rather silly now. 2011 was a year for me to continue to visualize and embrace what is important in life. 

I'm beginning to love and accept myself more than ever before. A big part of this is due to the realization that you can't control what others think of you. I am learning to let go of the worry, the doubt, and the people pleasing. It's all just crap. What we think of ourselves is what matters. At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves, and the choices we make.

And now that I'm beginning to sound like a bad motivational speaker...I'll end this post.

What are some life lessons you learned this year?