29 June 2010

Trying to Conceive?

Lately, I haven't talked about health issues much around here. I don't like to say too much, because the future is still unknown. Basically, there isn't much to report. I'm still experiencing some ups and downs. For the most part, my energy is up, and I have been exercising regularly with L for about a month now. Naturally, L looks like a different person as he has shed a layer of fat off of him. I, on the other hand, have filled out a little. I got more junk in my trunk. Not complaining, but I am quite certain that men have it easier than women when it comes to weight loss, child bearing, oh, just about EVERYTHING. That's bullshit.

Anyway, before my health issues took a nose dive, L and I were kinda sorta...trying to conceive. Remember my surgeon told me I should get knocked up? We were just following his advice. We weren't using any birth control, and were playing it by ear. You tell yourself it's no big deal, but when the pee stick doesn't show positive (even though you have told every voice in your head not to get their hopes up) it is disappointing.

So we whizzed through about three or four cycles of TTC (trying to conceive, if you will). Time flies when you are having sex like a robot. (i.e. Am I ovulating? I'm ovulating! Assume the position.)

No pregnancy.

Then I had that crazy birth control month where I practically bled out, and things started to get pretty grim after that. Let's just say, no sexy time for awhile...AND...not an opportune time for my body to get pregnant anyway. I was white as a ghost from iron deficiency, and I could barely walk from my bed to the bathroom to change my elephant-sized pad.

It's been about two months since the bleed out scenario. I am taking my supplements, and feeling stronger. We might be ready to start trying again. I always say "might" because I am a weirdo and superstitious and don't like to jinx things. If it were up to me, there would never be such a phrase as "trying to conceive". I'm not good when it comes to trying at things. Before you roll your eyes and unsubscribe from this blog, it's not as obnoxious as it sounds.

I feel like if I say it out loud that makes it real. And if it's real, and I don't get the results I am hoping for, I'm a total loser. This medical stuff already makes me feel like I am always a step behind. It's all out of my control. And although I don't need to be in control of everything in my life, it would be nice to be friends with my body and get it to do favors for me...like get pregnant when I want it to. Is that such a big favor to ask? :)

So I sit around and pretend like it doesn't matter that much to me. I play these little head games with myself. When L's cousin announced her pregnancy, I smiled through it, even though it chipped away a little at my heart. Or when I see the baby section at Macy's, I don't avoid it. I walk through it with my head held high. I tell myself that it's okay, because these things take time. Then I read a dozen or so stories online about couples that get pregnant on the first try. I'm back to feeling like a failure.

I try to look so strong on the outside, so put together and unfazed, but the reality is that I feel it just as deeply as the woman who is telling everyone that will listen,

"We're trying to have a baby."

I don't even know if this post makes any sense. I am still trying to figure out how I feel about "trying to conceive". I'd love to share more about it, but due to my own denial issues, I haven't been able to make heads or tails of this new-ish journey in my life. (And to clarify, I am happy for women that get pregnant and/or conceived easily. This is my personal issue that I dare not place on others. However, I do understand feeling blue when you hear others are experiencing what you want to experience. It's only natural. )

Maybe I should be posting this on the boards of an online (in) fertility community. To be honest, I don't know much about them. I won't knock it until I've tried it, but, as an outsider, those ladies kinda scare me.

24 comments:

  1. Hi Carly! My name is Peggy and I have been a loyal but quiet follower. Your TTC post pulled at my heart-strings because I, too, feel the same things. The only difference is that I can't STAND it when my friends ask, "So, when are the babies coming?" as if it's something I can control with the snap of my fingers. I think that feeling a bit blue during this time is a lot like browsing engagement rings when you're not even sure your boyfriend is going to propose. Or, buying wedding magazines when you're not even engaged. Sucks. BUT! I am a firm believer that in time, everything settles nicely.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think it's only natural to feel this way when you're trying to get pregnant — after all those years of doing your best to prevent it — and you suddenly realize that you can't, or that it doesn't happen immediately. I know that I sure felt like my body was failing me for the months we were trying to conceive.

    If/when you decide that you REALLY want to start trying, I wouldn't automatically dismiss the TTC boards. They CAN be scary and intimidating to outsiders, but they're full of women who are in the same situation as you (not devoting every moment to TTC but not avoiding pregnancy) and chock-full of good information, tips, and support. Or if you want to take a more passive approach, you can always check out websites like My Egg and Me (http://www.amandabears.com/index.html) and just educate yourself.

    Best of luck to you, and please feel free to reach out to me if you need more info or suggestions on websites, books, etc.

    ReplyDelete
  3. it took me and my husband almost a year to conceive my son. so yes i no the feeling... seeing blood on your panties each month is not fun. thinking and hoping you're pregnant so you dont eat sushi, drink beer is not fun. give it some time. everything happens for a reason. look on the bright side and smile =)

    ReplyDelete
  4. We just did what you did in the beginning, minus the constant tracking of my ovulation. We just stopped using protection and let nature take its course (I did have a general idea of when I was ovulating). I think it's best to have a positive attitude and try not to think/stress about it much. When the time is right, it will happen!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think you have absolutely every right to feel the way you do! Things haven't been easy for you with your health issues, and it sucks anytime you want something so badly and you cannot control the outcome. If I were you, I'd be throwing a daily pity party. I'm really impressed by how positive you are, and I agree with Peggy that things do happen when the time is right. It just sucks balls waiting, and not knowing WHEN that time will be, and WHY it isn't right, RIGHT NOW! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that all will be well in all aspects of your life. Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm thinking of you. Thanks for being brave enough to share your struggle here. I have a dear friend who struggled with ovarian cysts, endometriosis, and infertility. She went through induced menopause twice before she conceived and was told she would never have children. She and her husband underwent fertility treatments and had a set of beautiful miracle triplets. She struggled with the same types of questions you're struggling with - and I would be glad to put the two of you in touch with each other if you'd be interested.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hugs to ya girly. I'm with the other ladies, you have every right in the world to be frustrated and feel the way you do. I can't relate personally but I can send {{{positive baby vibes}}} your way and pray that you and your hubby are blessed with a little one soon and pray that you keep feeling better.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I understand what you feel. I felt the same way before. We were trying to conceive for seven months with no luck, so we decided to go to the doctor to find out if there's something wrong. The doctor told us there were some slight problems. Needless to say, I was so depressed. But then 4 months after the doctor told us we'll have a hard time trying to conceive naturally, I got pregnant!

    So don't lose hope. It will happen at the right time.

    ReplyDelete
  9. as a new reader i just want to say how amazing your blog is. you share so much of your life to us that i feel like i already know you even though we've never met. haha!

    i can't say i understand what you're going through since i'm not trying to have a baby right now. but i hope you don't lose faith that its going to happen for you. sometimes it just takes time to get the things you want in life. =)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Just saying hi, and I feel ya. You are so not alone. Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  11. My husband and I are in the "trying to conceive" bracket and its been rough each month wondering is this is, did it work this time... I keep trying to tell myself that it's out of our control and it's going to happen when it happens but somedays that's harder than others! Just wanted to say you're not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  12. What an elegant way to put it. Great job putting your feelings out there. I'm not TTC yet, and I am afraid that it will be tough.

    ReplyDelete
  13. The most important thing to realize is this: you are a beautiful, intelligent, loving woman. There is nothing 'wrong' with you. We women tend to place the blame inside of us when something like having a baby doesn't happen over night. We automatically assume it is because of some character flaw that this isn't happening the way we want it to.
    It can feel like you are out on this monumental stage with the spot light on your face with the world waiting for you to make a move, but please realize that you do not have to do anything right now.
    It's hard to be patient. It's so difficult to watch others go through what you are longing for- but there is a plan. (No, I am not going to go all jesus on you, but I do think there are certain things planned for us) You will find your way in this world.
    And when you do have your very own child, everything you went through, all the time you waited and crossed your fingers and cried about your inability to conceive will all seem like a distant memory. Because you will have a part of you and L. And it will be worth it.

    Stay strong- and know that you have plenty of support out there. Regardless of where you post about it :o)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I can relate on so many levels. Add being divorced to the "Feeling a step behind list" and "oh yeah, as of about 3pm on July 12th, I'll only have 1 ovary left" AND hitting 30, and I definately feel left in the dust of those living the family life around me.

    How I cope is by trying to enjoy things I couldn't enjoy with young childeren (or a reliable guy) in my life. For example, I can cuss if I've had a lousy day, and no 2 year is going to repeat it. I don't have to buy diapers (or change them).

    Yes, my brain knows that I don't get the "good" parts of that experience either - but it's just what it is right now. I remind myself that life won't always be this way. (You know my story - I'm adopted and so is my brother and it's THE BEST THING that EVER happened to us!)

    My life has never been "normal" or "ordinary". Why should that change now? ;)

    I also hate the "trying to concieve" saying. I really do. Technically, a teenager who doesn't use birth control is "trying to conceive", just not conciously. Any time you're not protecting against it, you're trying. Whether you mean to or not. There is no rule book that says you have to announce to the world, "We're trying to have a baby." I think it does give people (who are trying to be supportive) permission to be more probing than they should be.

    Just hang in there. What's ment to be, will be. ;) When the goal is to raise a loving family, there are no losers.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thank you, everyone. I don't really know what to say. I am so appreciative of your kind words. I felt pretty broken and vulnerable today, and your comments put me back together. In all of my hundreds of posts I have shared a lot about my life, but in many ways, this post was one of my most revealing posts to date. I actually wrote it weeks ago, but didn't have the courage to publish it until now. You all made me feel good about myself, rather than feel regret for putting it all out there.
    @Peggy: Thank you for being a loyal follower :) I also dislike all the friendly prodding about "when the babies are coming". I know people mean well, but it still stings and, like you said, we don't control these things!
    @Geek in Heels: I think I may dip my pinky toe into the TTC boards and see what I find. Thank you for reminding me of the benefits of sharing information. I know you understand where I am coming from :)
    @Anonymous: It helps to hear from others that have gone through the same struggles. Thank you.
    @stephanie michelle: I'm trying not to stress, which, ironically, is hard work! But it feels good to know that women like yourself have made it to the other side :)
    @MayLove: Thank you for your kind words and best wishes. You are too sweet :)
    @Crystal: Wow, what an amazing story. Your friend sounds like such a brave lady!
    @My Dream Ring: Jeana, you are the sweetest blog friend. I always appreciate your kindness and positive attitude!
    @Chloe: I remember reading about your struggles on your blog, and also reading the good news that you had conceived naturally after the whole ordeal. You give me great hope! :)
    @Rizza: Welcome! So happy to have you here. And thank you so much for your encouragement!
    @Sugar: Your comment made me a little teary. Sometimes you just need to know that you aren't alone. Sending you hugs and good thoughts. We'll get there. xo
    @Mrs. LifeAccounts: It's nice to know I'm not alone. For what it's worth, I'm sending you tons of positive pregnancy vibes :)
    @Stephanie: I feel you re: having fears about TTC. I worried about it for a long time...still do. Best of luck to you when the right time comes along.
    @Yankee: Reading your comment totally made me cry. What you have written makes so much sense, and it was really what I needed to hear right now. I hoped I would never be this woman who blamed myself for things that were out of my control, but here I am doing it! You gave me and anyone reading your comment a lot of perspective. THANK YOU!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I think the blog is the perfect place to talk about TTC troubles, especially because it is something you usually don't feel comfortable talking about with friends and family (especially when it is a long or difficult road). Thanks for sharing with us!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I totally get where you are coming from. I haven't posted anything about it on my blog yet but my husband and I are on our second cycle of TTC. It's so exciting but also so scary!

    Oh and the ladies on the message boards scare me too. I have posted a couple of times on there but I am so careful with what I post. I don't want to get yelled at!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Sorry I'm late to this post, just wanted to leave a ((HUG))

    ReplyDelete
  19. sending you hugs and positive thoughts. hope you are feeling better.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I don't know enough about your health issues but why not start IVF?
    I just wanted to tell you about my friend. She had really irregular periods and after 5 years of trying....was totally unable to get pregnant. her husband's insurance would only cover 2 rounds of IVF. She got pregnant both times and now has a 2 and 5 year old. I am unsure what your issues are....and what your insurance is.....but can you just give up on TTC naturally and take the leap to getting some assistance and thus ending the emotional torture of trying and trying? I also know so little that I dont know how long you have to try before this is even an option. But just wanted to throw that out there
    (((HUGS))))

    ReplyDelete
  21. My best friend is the only person who teases me about getting pregnant, because she loves to buy baby clothes. But I know she's not serious because she's my best-friend. (And I just put the question back on her!) Otherwise, I don't have friends / family asking. And if I get the odd question, I ignore it as much as possible. Right before/after the wedding, I was asked a few times when we'd start "trying". I said we'd probably wait a year or so. That helped immensely because it was an early indication that we weren't in a rush.

    I'm sorry that you're stressed by "trying", but from what I understand, many couples feel stressed when they don't conceive immediately. (Although, I've also read that the average couple takes a year to conceive. No idea if that's true, but I read it somewhere.)

    I'm SO HAPPY that you're healthy enough to think about trying to conceive again! With your health woes earlier, there was no way you could have safely conceived, so this is a great and positive thing! Congratulations on your health improvement!!!!

    Thanks for this honest post ... And (as hard as it is), try to continue to be (mostly) positive.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  22. we're also trying to conceive in a somewhat casual way but i'm too chicken to blog about it. well not chicken, but mostly i don't think my husband would be cool with me blogging about it and i feel like its part his story so i don't want to put him out there without his blessing. either way, i totally feel you. we actually did get pregnant on the first try, but i had an early miscarriage. it was totally devastating and it seriously made me feel like less of a woman. not to mention now i feel anxious and stressed now that we are back to trying (in a natural lets just throw bc out the window and see what happens). its not easy waiting for the period or peeing on a stick and seeing its negative. i don't really know what i'm trying to say besides i totally understand and you aren't alone :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. @charms: I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. My heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for your kind words. It helps to know that I'm not alone. xo

    ReplyDelete
  24. So, I just found your blog (through OMGMom, I think?) and I feel as if I'm reading my own words on the screen. Honestly, everything you have written about this health/TTC journey are so, so, so familiar. If you are worried that your anxiety post drove people away, please know it also gained you at least one reader -- it's so comforting to know I'm not the only one playing superstitious games with myself and worrying about what my body can or cannot do every. single. day. I just want to say thank you for being so candid. I can't tell you how much it is helping me right now.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin