30 August 2010

Learning to Live Life (Again)

Bouncing back from the state of anxiety-ridden hell I was in has been quite a learning experience. It hasn't been all happy and pleasurable, but it has reminded me that existing and living are two different states of being. Sitting around feeling bad about everything IS NOT A LIFE. It is more like depression. Crying in my stew because I haven't achieved all the things that I want to achieve was not motivating me. It was defeating me.

I am working on changing my attitude about...everything. As you can imagine, this is a monstrous task.

Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to remember what my life was like before it was eaten up by anxiety. I remembered that it used to feel good to be alive. I really wanted to recapture that feeling.

So what does one do when they wish to feel alive again?

Why, gay clubbing, of course.

This past weekend, L and I gathered in West Hollywood with some friends to celebrate the birthday of a close buddy. Somehow in my twenty plus years of living ten minutes from the gay capital of the world, I managed to never really explore the nightlife. Go figure.

I couldn't think of a good excuse not to go out and take a chance. After all, my new mantra was to "recapture living", so I went with it. My only regret is that I dressed too conservatively. I felt like a schoolmarm amongst a sea of rock stars. But other than that, I let go of my over-thinking, worrying, and any judgments. I existed simply to have a good time.

{Cell phone pic proof of my third grade teacher outfit}

Let me just say this. Gay clubs host the best parties around. There really is no other way to describe it.

And while I watched our friend take a celebratory shot of mystery juice out of the cleavage of a perky Go Go dancer wearing fishnets, a leopard print bra, and a thong...

I felt alive, and it was great.

Do you ever feel like you are just existing? Shaking up your life every once and awhile can do wonders for the soul. At least, this is what I'm learning (again).

8 comments:

  1. The gays definitely know how to party :) Glad you got out and let loose. My SIL was diagnosed w/ anxiety and I desperately want her to get back to her old, fun self. I know it will take some time (and patience on my part), but hopefully with baby steps like the one you took, she'll get there, too :) Thanks for being so open about this.

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  2. Good for you, girl! Just take it one step at a time :)

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  3. I heart my gays so much! And good for you!

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  4. Good!

    Sometimes it's hard to enjoy the place you're in in life - especially when that "keeping up with the Jones'" feeling kicks in. I'm glad to see your living up the space in life you're in! Rejoice in where you're at! Afterall, you may not be able to zip out to a night club at a moment's notice forever! :)

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  5. gays are the best. i'm glad that you are pushing for happiness :)

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  6. this is effing hilarious...i'm glad you're feeling better.

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  7. i really enjoy your blog and your journey as i feel like im in the same place in my life. I like your "mantra" It's definitely worth thinking about and keeping in the back of my head :)

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  8. Thanks so much for the support and encouragement, friends!

    @EmilyB: Best wishes to your SIL! She's lucky to have a great support system that wants her to feel better :) It takes time, but it gives me hope that a lot of people do recover and regain their lives back.
    @ens: Thank you for your kind words. We only get one shot at this life. Gotta live it to the fullest, right? Best of luck on your journey :)

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