23 July 2011

The Other Carly

I'm wondering how this looks to the outside world. I'm appointing you guys my "outside world", so let me know what you think, because I can't make heads or tails of it.

L has become a regular at this local dive bar near our house. It's a chill place where everybody knows your name, and the drinks are cheap. Sometimes L and I go together, but usually he goes with friends or a coworker. Since I've had health issues, I have mostly laid off the sauce, and don't usually go to bars and clubs. I get cranky early and want to go home. I'm a really fun date. NOT.

L is a social person. He likes to get out, and be around other people all.the.time. Not sure why I'm sharing all of these details? I suppose I am setting the scene.

So he's become a local at this bar, and now has a regular waitress. I had heard a few things about her from L in passing before we met. For instance, we happen to share the same name. WTF?! Random. She's very young, bubbly, and an aspiring actress.

I ended up meeting the other Carly for the first time after one of our date nights months ago. L and I had gone to a nice dinner, and we grabbed a few drinks after. Meeting her was really awkward. I just kinda sat there with my thumb up my butt while she giggled and brought my husband free drinks. I was the third wheel on my own date. How cute.

Since then, I haven't really involved myself in their little friendship. I'm not jealous, per se. I trust my husband completely. I even joke with L about it and tell him to say hi to his "lady" whenever I know he'll probably see her at the bar. She's just not my type of company. Not someone I would be girlfriends with. Not someone I have anything to say to, which is fine, because she's my husband's pal. Right? I don't know.

The other thing that sorta bothers me is that I know that if it was the other way around, and I had a bartender that gave me free drinks, and laughed at all of my jokes, L would zap him with his laser stare until the guy never came around me again.

I don't have guy friends. All of my guy friends hit the road after I got engaged. I have no desire to go out and get myself a bar boy. But then again, I'm shy and don't generally strike up conversations with other men casually. So, to me, it's kind of a difference in personalities, too. L is friendly. I'm not.

It's not a trust thing. It's an annoyance thing. Like when I see her, I kinda want to punt her across the bar type of annoyance.

Do I just continue as is and mostly ignore it? Would you be bothered? I don't want to tell him who he can talk to. Aren't we too old to be doing that shit? I mean, I'm a married woman.


17 comments:

  1. As a married woman also, you should def talk to him about this. If it makes you uncomfortable, then as your husband, he'll want to stop because I'm sure he loves you and doesn't want to make things weird. It's kinda strange how after you get married, there are these new boundaries around opposite sex friendships that didn't exist prior, and I know I've struggled with how to navigate. Good luck, keep us posted.

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  2. I totally get what you mean! The hubs is social to the max. I prefer to stay home and read a book. The hubs and I have the same group of friends in all areas of our lives but there are one or two girls who are, at times, especially friendly or sometimes even awkwardly flirtatious. ONCE, just once, I totally blew up at the hubs for encouraging the flirtatious behaviour by flirting back right in front of me. When it happens, I get annoyed because I feel like it's so ridiculous but because I absolutely know that there is no malice or purpose in it, don't want to be *that* person who freaks out for nothing. I choose to remove myself from the situation. There was a time when hubs and friend were engaging in a back-and-forth thing with friend giggling stupidly and I, out of annoyance, made things super awkward by saying, "Okay, please continue flirting, I'll go wait in the car" and I walked away. Classy, huh? LOL. I don't know...Most of the time I'm good, once in a while I lose it. :o) Not sure if I helped but I totally get you on this one.

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  3. I would NOT be at all okay with that. I know it's lame, but I think that if a husband is friends with a girl, than the wife should be as well. Not that they should always hang out together, but I wouldn't be cool with my hubs going to a bar and hanging out with another female that I don't know well and who is flirtatious. I would be pissed. Not just because of jealousy (although I'm quite a jealous person) but because it just doesn't seem NECESSARY.

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  4. This would definitely bother me, but I can understand that you don't want to tell him who he can and can't be friends with. If I were you, next time he says he's going there, I'd try to suck up my tiredness and suggest that you both try a new spot. Play silly games at the bar (would you rather, if I had a million dollars, etc) to bond with him.

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  5. Ya know, just because you're not drinking, doesn't mean you can't tag along. You're his wife and - IMHO - that should make you a pretty awesome hang out buddy with or without booze. Offer to be the DD and make yourself more of a presence. My guess is that this girl will back off.

    I'm not as outgoing as my SOs in my life have been. Though I've found that it changes with time. The more I put myself in a position to be social, I find that I end up rising to the challenge. Maybe invite some friends of yours and make it a group affair a few times?

    You can't control her flirting, and you can't control his encouraging it, but you can become a part of the picture.

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  6. I second J. Darling's advice. If it bothers you, I would make yourself more present and try to talk to her too. I don't really like drinking (Asian glow!) but I still tag along and sit there with my ginger ale, even if I'm the only girl.

    I don't think this would bother me, but I don't know the extent of the situation. The boy has a few female friends in his life, and I actually wish they were around more because I think they are positive influences. His guy friends, they don't really talk about relationships or feelings, and I think it helps him to have another female perspective than my own on topics other than basketball and hot girls. (Not that all men are like that, just his friends!)

    That said, there was one girl that bothered the crap out of me! She came to stay with us for a night, and acted as if I wasn't there, even though I tried talking to her. I knew she had a crush on him because of rumors from other friends.

    Talk to L about it very calmly and let him know if anything bothers you. Remember that the other Carly's got nothing on you. :)

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  7. I'm probably the minority here, but if it's not a trust thing, then I wouldn't do anything. Josh and I have a lot of friends that are not friends with the other, I have guy friends that have never hit it off with him and he has female friends that have never hit it off with me. The only time we say something about it is if the friend is rude to us - which has happened more often with his female friends (being rude toward me) than with my male friends. We're both really social and pick up friends all over the place, so it's not uncommon for us to come home and talk about our new friend at a restaurant or something. Is this other Carly friendly toward you? Were you friendly toward her? Did either make an effort? Remember that this girl is also at work, and trying to get tips. She's going to work it.

    I would say...really examine your feelings on this. If it really isn't a trust issue, then what is the problem? Why are you annoyed? If it really does come down to a trust problem, then yes...I think you should to talk to him.

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  8. i think that married people should always know the limits. because the most innocent thing can turn into something not so innocent.

    sometimes it isn't about not trusting your SO but not trusting the person that your SO is hanging out with.

    if for some reason you do not feel comfortable about this person then i think that it is important to state this. at the end of the day, hubby should respect that. i don't think that girls flirting with my hubby and giving him free drinks is ever going to be OK and i think i would have every right to voice that just the way hubby would.

    def. talk to him about it. i understand it is her job to be friendly to the patrons but giving a married man free drinks IMO is beyond friendly. seriously? why does she need to do that? if hubby is going to a bar he obviously has money of his own to buy his own drinks.

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  9. This would totally bother me too! It's like you trust your husband, but not that girl. I would tag along more often too and maybe this girl will back off. If she doesn't then talk to your husband about it and see what he has to say. If all else fails just give her a little punch. Just Kidding!
    -@rizza_roo

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  10. I totally agree with Faith - "sometimes it isn't about not trusting your SO but not trusting the person that your SO is hanging out with." I trust my husband, but I DON'T trust skaggy bar chicks that give out free drinks and flirt. I think that totally crosses the line of professionalism.

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  11. Honestly, this wouldn't bother me so much UNLESS I didn't feel the female friend was being respectful of boundaries. I don't think it hurts to just talk to L and tell him how she makes you uncomfortable, but it's important to make him understand that it's not his being friends with her that makes you uneasy but perhaps more because when you first met you felt like the 'third wheel' thus making it hard for you to get to know her without feeling uneasy. Maybe he didn't realize that. What I find also helps when I need to get my husband to understand things from my perspective is to put the shoe on the other foot - I don't think guys typically do that. You're not trying to tell him who to be friends with, you're just trying to help him understand how it makes you feel.

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  12. It would definitely bother me in the same sort of way it bothers you! I'd probably tell my husband how I felt about it, but more just so he'd know my feelings, and I'd make it clear to him that he doesn't have to stop talking to her, just that I don't love it.

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  13. I'm with Layla and Cindie on this. It wouldnt bother me. Also for those who say they trust their husbands but not the other person, I dont understand if you trust your husband to behave correctly than it shouldn't matter what the other person does because your husband is going to do what's right. I don't know I know all of my hubby's friends, male or female, but I'm not neccessarly friends with all of them.

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  14. Hi, I've been reading your posts for awhile but this is my first time commenting. You're so beautiful inside and out - I love your blog!

    Anyway, my husband and I are probably more on the conservative side on this, but we hold the same views when it comes to this topic - neither of us actively engage in opposite sex friendships unless in group settings. Even though we trust each other completely, we agree that it can be dangerous territory. A lot of people don't intend to cheat, but they do... a lot of times it starts off harmless and leads to an emotional attachment that leads to other things. We believe that the human flesh is weak so we do everything in our power to protect our marriage as much as we can. It's a commitment we've made to each other.

    If I were you, I would talk to your husband honestly and openly about how you've been feeling. I think just "tagging along" and not saying anything would be on the passive aggressive side. If you're not okay with him hanging out with a girl you barely know, then he shouldn't be okay with it either.

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  15. On that note... I just want to say that if I were in your situation I would be feeling the exact same way!!! It would bother me like crazy. So you're not alone :)

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  16. Hi Friends!

    Wow, I am overwhelmed by your responses! I seriously can't thank you all enough for your insights and opinions on my little situation. I wrote this post in haste, and actually ended up hitting "post" before I intended to! Oopsies. But I'm glad I did, because if I had chickened out and not posted it, I wouldn't have gotten so much great advice.

    I've been thinking about this a lot over the weekend. Actually, it kinda ruined my weekend, and that's why I did not post anything today. I can't write a post on cute summer clothes when my mind is elsewhere. All of this thinking has led me to believe that my husband's friendship with this person has actually affected me a lot more than I admitted in this post. So, I'm going to let it marinate a bit longer. I spoke with L about it, too. I'll write an update soon. Just wanted to follow up and let you all know where I'm at. I love you guys!

    xoxo, Carly

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  17. Everyone is different.

    With that being said, it obviously bothers you. It might not be a green w/jealousy bother, but it bothers you. And as such you should speak up. I myself would have a major problem with my husband having a waitress bringing him free stuff all the time. Not because I don't trust my husband, but because I don't trust her intentions.

    I know you've rec'd a bulk of responses already, but I had to share anyway. Good luck!

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