20 July 2011

Secrets and Insecurity

Last night I lifted the veil off a secret. It is one of my insecurities. Something I have kept from L for years. I don't know why I chose yesterday to say it, or rather blurt it out. I don't know why I picked a fight before and after its unveiling. We were meeting people for dinner in forty five minutes, and he was driving home from work. We were texting back and forth, and yet I still chose this completely inopportune time to tell him, via text, what has bothered me for so long.

I misinterpreted a conversation we had about seven years ago. Even though seven years had passed, I could remember every single detail. I was driving his black 4Runner. We were returning from a day trip to San Juan Capistrano. I even remember what I was wearing: a white top and a yellow peasant skirt. His off-handed joke about something I am super insecure about really hurt my feelings, but I never told him. I carried the confusion and hurt of that day with me all of these years. I still don't know why I stayed silent for so long, but unexpectedly, I was finally ready to let it go.

I'm not going to share the details of my insecurity. And, no, I wasn't once a man or anything. ;) But I think the point of talking about this isn't so much "What is the secret?" it's "What can insecurity do to you? What can secrets do to you? " They eat away at you, and can ultimately destroy lives, relationships, self-esteem, self-worth. It can transform you into a hollow shell of a person. Terrible insecurity can become a black hole of isolation and sadness

Yesterday, I re-visited that conversation from seven years ago. We talked it through. I cried. He told me how sorry he was that I was so hurt all those years ago. He had no idea about this secret of mine. He was rather quiet and introspective, not having any clue how torn up this made me.

After our conversation, I felt powerful. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I turned the spotlight on my pain, and my insecurity, and in doing so, I released it. I released myself from its grip. I forgave myself. It doesn't mean it will ever completely go away, but I can change the way it makes me feel. I can change how I feel about myself. This all became crystal clear to me when I was ready to finally be honest with myself. I was finally ready to be honest with L.

If you feel up for sharing, how do you deal with insecurity? 



7 comments:

  1. Such a good reminder, Carly. I'm glad the weight is lifted off your shoulders now.

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  2. This might sound weird but I try to blurt out my emotion. Mostly with my husband, my dad and close friend. I'll tell my husband, I'm nervous or That makes me insecure. And he'll ask why and we talk it out. It feels odd but I find it liberating to just say how I feel.

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  3. That's the beauty of intimacy! How great it is to again be reminder that your husband is not just your lover, but he's truly on your team! :)

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  4. I'm fortunate that I haven't had much insecurity in my life until lately, but the downside is that I honestly don't know how to handle it. I just kind of let it out, I just tell whoever is nearest what is bothering me which is probably not the best thing to do. Usually, that means my husband gets the full brunt of it. We'll just be driving down the street and I'll start blurting out how unhappy I am with my current physical state or how insecure I am about returning to the workforce, and he listens and offers some words of encouragement. It helps, so I guess it's okay? See, I'm not even secure in that. Anyway, I'm glad you finally got that off your chest! Seven years is a long time to carry something hurtful around!

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  5. When I feel insecure, I will talk and talk and talk. I'm a sharer. I don't really keep much in from the boy. Others? I definitely keep things in that have bothered me or made me feel insecure. I have a hard time dealing with problems I have with other people, because it's hard to admit to someone you aren't that intimate with just how much something bothers you.
    I'm glad your secret has released its grip on you! Sometimes we just need a good cry and a long talk to process hurt feelings.

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  6. I'm an over-sharer...for some reason it makes me feel better to share what i'm struggling with/insecure about. I usually find out i'm not the only one.

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  7. I think I'm the opposite of most of you where I go inward when I have an insecurity. However, after this latest release after seven long years, I think talking it through is definitely a healthier choice. :) Thank you all for reminding me of that!

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