L and I had a short conversation about what I had written on my blog. His immediate reaction was that he won't go to the bar anymore. He was surprised that I was uncomfortable with the situation, but understood more clearly when I asked him how he would feel if I were carrying on a friendship like this. He wasn't thrilled, but you know what? I haven't been thrilled since he became a regular at that bar. So, I guess we are now equal in the not-so-thrilled department, no? (Clarification: He is allowed to go where he pleases including the bar. I'm not his parole officer. He just needs to be mindful of my feelings, and I prefer he goes when the other Carly is not around.)
I immediately felt sick, because I hate to be the bad guy. But, in the same vein, I don't want to sit around stewing over things, being passive aggressive, and not speaking my mind. When we first got together, I think I was a lot more vocal about how I felt about mostly everything. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my voice. I know it's because of my guilt. I feel guilty that I'm not healthy all the time. I feel guilty that I don't want to go out as much as I used to. Guilty guilty guilty. But I don't feel guilty enough to allow my husband to engage in a relationship that I'm not comfortable with. A girl's got to draw the line somewhere, and I think I found a place to draw that line.
I guess they weren't kidding when they said this marriage thing is hard work.