31 August 2011

The Heart of It

I've rambled on a lot lately about all the improvements I am making in my life. I've poked fun at doctors, and tried to make light of infertility, illness, etc. I have forged ahead, because that is the only way I know how to handle this. I've tried to downplay the fact that this is really hard.

I'm not in denial. I am just trying to do something productive with the bad cards I have been dealt. But, it doesn't negate the fact that sometimes my heart hurts. Sometimes my spirit is crushed. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to go on. I just want to give up. I'm human. I'm fallible. I don't have all the answers. Even when I put my thinking cap on and research until my fingers are numb and my brain hurts - I still can't figure it all out. That frustrates me to no end.

On the bright side, I am learning so much about myself. As cheesy as that sounds, I feel like I know more about myself and am more comfortable in my own skin than perhaps I have ever been. I am so thankful for that. Maybe this is the gift of my 30's? Finally figuring out me, and not feeling bad about it. Maybe this is the gift of my endometriosis? Knowing my body in ways I have never known it. Nourishing my body in ways I was too lazy to previously nourish it when I was "healthy".The gift of my infertility? I'm still working on that one. I know it has already taught me so much, but I still don't consider it a gift. I'm sorry, it's not.

Life can be so funny. You really can't predict how it's all going to play out. You do the best you can. I think that's all anyone can ask. Do the best you can.

 

7 comments:

  1. On posts like this, I am at a loss for words because I know that in your heart of hearts you are doing all you can do to make the cards you've been dealt work in the best way that you can. But when your heart aches and you don't know what to do, nothing anyone says can fix it. So I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you and truly cheering you on during this journey.

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  2. i truly appreciate your honest and insightful posts about your journey. it's not going to be all rainbows and lollypops and that's ok. i'm here, along with so many others, to cheer you on each step of the way. much much love. ♥

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  3. Sounds like you are in a good, healthy place of self-acceptance right now. That doesn't mean that everything is sunshine and roses 100% of the time. Just that you're in a place where you see the things you want to work on, and you do something about them, and then you try to let the things you can't control lie. It doesn't mean we all don't just throw our hands up in despair and frustration every once in a while. It just means we don't choose to dwell in to 24/7. It's part of who we are, sure, but not all of who we are. :) I remember similiar discovering similar feelings my 30th year, which just happened to be the same year they took my ovary. I agree that it's never a gift, and we have no obligation to be grateful for it, but it is amazing the things we learn as part of our journey.

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  4. There is nothing anyone can say to truly put your heart/mind/body at ease, but do know we are all rooting for you. And I commend you for being able to find the up sides of this very trying ordeal. It is amazing and speaks to your character that you are able to see past all the negativity.

    Keep taking care of yourself- I'm rooting for you :o)

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  5. Back again. :) I'm enjoying reading your blog!

    And I can also relate to the endometriosis and infertility thing. There are moments where I feel hopeful, and there are moments where I feel like it's all so futile, and what's the point in trying. Before my diagnosis I was looking after myself - eating right, doing yoga, getting out and doing fun things - but it still happened.

    I'm seeing a naturopath/acupucturist now to see where that could take me, and making a few changes to my diet and lifestyle too. Still no guarantees that it'll make things better, but at least I feel like I'm doing something.

    I hope you make it past this hurdle in your journey to start a family.

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  6. Like all your other friends/readers and family I am hoping and praying that you overcome this hurdle. Life is full of twists and you never know which way it'll turn. So keep hope alive my friend. Xoxo. Once u get to the bottom there is no where else to go but UP :)

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  7. Your honesty and the journey you've been documenting have been really important to me. The ups and downs you share seem so natural and healthy. Sometimes I read the posts when you're down, the ones where I really want to hug you, and I think to myself... it would be so odd if she wasn't sad and upset. I'm so important for all of us to know that it's not all roses. Thanks for showing us all sides of it.

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