23 September 2011

Infertile Friday

I haven't talked about infertility stuff for awhile on here, and I kind of need to. But, I don't want to, because I really don't have anything positive to say at this point. I wish I wasn't ending the week on this note, but it's my reality right now, and it's time to get real. Tonight, L and I have a date night scheduled. Thank goodness. We really, really need one.

Our fertility treatment plan is constantly influx. Every bit of new information, new test, and consultation feels like it is getting us further away from our goal of a baby. I am kinda over this whole journey, but in the same vein, we've only just begun. I haven't even been given any fertility drugs yet. How can I be "over" something that hasn't even started yet? It might have something to do with the fact that my health hasn't given me a break since 2009, and I'm tired.

I'm really, REALLY tired.

I am tired of hearing how the odds are against us.
I'm tired of hearing what is wrong with us.
I'm tired of hearing that I need to relax.
I'm tired of wondering if I'm thinking about this too much. Then trying to forget about it. Then punishing myself for not forgetting it.
I'm tired of hoping that we will be that lucky couple that just bumbles along, and then magically it happens when we least expect it.

We won't be that lucky couple. You know why? Because the fertility specialist told me so. He told me with his chart and his little ballpoint fucking pen and all his numbers.

I'm tired of waiting.

I'm not getting any younger.

The fertility specialist told me that, too.


 

7 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make this all better. I know exactly how you feel and I hope that on some level for even a few moments makes it a bit easier to deal with. It's so unfair, so unreasonable and SO illogical. I'm here for you friend. Please have a great time tonight. You both really deserve it. *big hugs*

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  2. Sounds like a downer day. Good thing you have a date night planned tonight!
    Long term health care issues are SO exhausting! I still have NO idea if Endo has come back to rear it's ugly head on my other ovary, but from my symptoms, it's pretty clear that PCOS is still hanging around. I'm approaching 32. I'll be almost 33 by the time we stop protecting, so we'll see what happens.
    Stay as gentle on yourself as you can be - you're taking great care of yourself. No matter how you end up becoming a parent (and I believe that WILL happen - whether it's through the help of drugs, in vitro, adoption, etc.) that's one great skill you can carry with you and pass on to the next gen of Mr and Mrs Glitter.

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  3. what an ass. not you. the fertility specialist. this sucks. keep sharing. vent or you'll keep it bottled up which is never good.

    enjoy your night tonight. have an extra drink or dessert or whatever your vice is.

    or you could go beat someone up - i would want to if i were you

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  4. Aw sweetie. My heart aches for you.

    And you are ALLOWED to have days where you just want to say F the world. You are ALLOWED to get down in the dumps when every where you turn is bad news.

    Again I hope you know how many people care about you and are rooting for you to take the odds and blow them out of the water. To take that ball point pen and shove it up the fertility specialists rear end.

    Enjoy your date night. And F everything else :o)

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  5. it's always refreshing to hear your honesty about the subject of fertility/infertility. thank you for being vulnerable and saying what's on your heart. it breaks my heart to hear the struggles that you are going through. i hope that the fertility "specialist" will have to eat his words and stick the f-ing pen up his specialist behind. human beings and bodies are amazing things... sure odds are odds, statistics are statistics but he's not God and he can't predict what will happen. i hope you had a great date night and that you and your hubby will continue to enjoy each other and grow together on this journey to parenthood. sending lots of hugs to you!

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  6. Your fertility specialist sounds like an ass. You already know that I can relate to you and your frustration. And I totally get the "over it" feelings. Just this morning I was feeling frustrated and so completely over this whole process.

    I know there's not much I can say that will make you feel better. Allow yourself to have the bad days and don't be too hard on yourself. Enjoy the date night and I am always here for you. Love you!

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  7. Oh Carly, my heart goes out to you. *hugs* Keep strong!

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