30 November 2011

Ready, Set, IUI.

Ok. I made a pact with myself and L that I wouldn't talk about any part of our fertility journey if one or both of us deemed it too personal or too sensitive. Apparently we haven't reached that point yet, because I am going to discuss the next leg of this sober acid trip: IUI.

We will be doing an IUI this next cycle. I'll get some fertility medication to make my normal ovaries into Super Ovaries. When I'm about to ovulate, L will do his thing, and we will try and make a miracle happen amid the romantic backdrop of my doctor's office.

And that's the abridged version of what the remainder of 2011 looks like for us.

The Debbie Downer in me is clawing to get out, and rain on this parade before it has even begun. Why? Scientifically speaking, this procedure will likely end in a negative pregnancy test. IUI doesn't have a great track record when it comes to endometriosis patients. However, we have decided to muster up every little scrap of hope and faith, and give it a try. Why? Because we love to be let down.

I'm kidding! Of course, we are excited and hopeful. We are scared, but always hopeful.

The biggest fear for me is the emotional part of this process. Can I handle the emotional highs and lows? Due to a series of constant let downs, I've built up a pretty thick protective shell. As someone who used to cry over everything, I haven't shed many tears lately. Negative pregnancy tests, the news that endometriosis had blown out my reproductive organs, the news that my tube was blocked, the news that a cyst grew back, bad news after bad news after bad news.

I haven't cried in a doctor's office since my OB-GYN suspected I had endo last year and we scheduled my lap.

It's called self-preservation, I guess?

I am terrified of falling down a rabbit hole of despair. I have a husband, family, friends, and grown-up responsibilities to tend to. I simply can't fall apart.

I'm not saying this because I'm proud of it. I have wondered where the waterworks are and why they haven't turned on. I actually need to have a good cry. I know it will happen somewhat unexpectedly. They'll be out of Depends sized maxi pads at the market, and I'll burst into tears. (I really hope that doesn't happen.)

Until I decide to let it all out, Carly the Tin Man has control of the reins. What was the point of this post again? Oh yeah, we are starting fertility treatment.

If you can muster a shred of hope and/or strength for us this month, we would really, really appreciate it. Love you guys.


26 comments:

  1. Sending lots of hope, prayers, and love your way. <3

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  2. There's no need to ask — you know we're all rooting for you! Wishing you guys the best this cycle and sending you tons of extra holiday fairy dust!

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  3. Sending lots of good thoughts, hope, and prayers your way! Rooting for this to work!!

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  4. Carly, I'm sending you guys lots of love and good thoughts!!!

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  5. Hi there! As a fellow endo sufferer who got pregnant from my first cycle of letrozole last summer, I have hope for you! I had been scheduled for an IUI that got cancelled because I ovulated earlier than expected. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, but I still wanted to extend some hope to you that women with endo can get pregnant. Good luck!

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  6. I wish you guys the BEST of luck!! I'm rooting for you both!

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  7. Sending much love, good vibes, prayers and best wishes to you and L. Once you guys get the good news, all of this will be worth it :) xo

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  8. Starting fertility treatments is such a scary and exciting time. Sending so much luck and love and hope to you!

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  9. Best wishes, Godspeed, good luck, and more! I really hope that is does work for you guys. I know from really your blog how badly you want to be a parent and I know that someday somehow it will happen! xoxo

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  10. Awww, I can't thank you all enough. I can feel the love coming through my computer screen! It has taken us a LONG time to get here (as you know), and we are more than ready. I'll post an update once we get started. xo

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  11. Carly, I'm sending you both much love, hope + support. ♥

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  12. Even though you've been faced with some pretty crappy circumstances, I admire your optimism (even if there are days when you don't feel very optimistic). I don't even know you, yet I'm touched to hear you speak with such a passion to have this child. Never give up hope! Even when the odds seem to be stacked against you. Many prayers to you!

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  13. I'll be thinking of you as always. Every baby is a miracle and I'm hoping you get yours soon. :) (it's Colleen my phone wont let me sign in!)

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  14. Sending you more love and hope!!! And crossing all fingers and toes.

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  15. I am new to your blog but have really enjoyed reading! And I wanted to say from one endo sufferer about to embark on the journey of TTC to another, I wish you all the best and am hoping that whatever the outcome, you and your husband stay strong and keep hoping!

    You are in my thoughts! xxx

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  16. Also sending positive thoughts your way!!! Rooting for you!

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  17. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Sending you every good wish -- we'll all be thinking of you this month!

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  18. sending you lots of love and prayers. you are both strong and can make it through this journey.

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  19. I've been meaning to write to you for a long time and I will after sending you a virtual hug. I can only imagine gadget you are going through. But keep on going and believing that life can deliver good surprises as well.

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  20. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I wish you the best of luck!!! And without sounding creepy, my SO and I are thinking of doing this some time next year...if it's not too weird, could you disclose how much this procedure costs and if it's covered by insurance?

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  21. @Sophie: Not creepy at all. Every clinic is different in terms of fees. Our clinic charges $210 per ultrasound (anywhere from 2-4 ultrasounds per cycle), $185 for the IUI procedure, and $180 for the sperm wash. We also paid $420 for an initial consult with our doctor. We live in California, and have zero infertility insurance coverage. I know other states offer partial or full coverage for the IUI procedure. I hope you guys are lucky enough to have some coverage! Best of luck.

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  22. We are also gearing ourselves up for an IUI cycle (ours will probably be in January). If you don't mind me asking, what type of medicine will you be taking? We did three clomid cycles this fall and I am going to ask my doctor for Femara instead because I really hated the clomid side effects. Praying for you!

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  23. @Sophie: Shoot, writtenbliss just reminded me that I didn't include the cost of clomid. I think one month's supply of clomid is around $30 or so. Sorry, I can't remember the exact price!

    @writtenbliss: My doctor is pushing clomid. I'm pretty sure I had a bad reaction to it last month (which resulted in a cancelled IUI cycle). I, too, am going to ask him about femara, and get his opinion. What dosage of clomid were you taking? My doc started me on 100 mg which seems like a lot to me. Good luck to you guys. Thinking and praying for you. xo

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