24 April 2012

Better.

In the 4+ years since I started this blog, I don't believe I have ever taken a month off from writing! From wedding planning to getting married to newlywed status and beyond, I have had A LOT to say. This blog (and you that have read and supported me throughout the years) has been a source for inspiration, celebration, and love. You have also seen me through some very, very difficult times; the hardest of my life. You may not know it, but you kept me going through many of those rough patches. That is why I feel so bad about falling silent. It isn't for lack of care or a desire to be mysterious. I think about my blog a lot, but I just don't know where to start with all of this.

Some blogs catalog the rebuilding of their kitchens or losing ten pounds or the growth of a pregnant belly. I blogged about infertility and chronic health problems. Fun! But that was what was going on in my life, so I won't apologize for it. However, somehow my focus shifted from living with infertility to an infertile life. It took me awhile, but I discovered that is simply not sustainable. One cannot live off of negativity and disappointment forever. It has to stop at some point by either (a) getting better or (b) finding a new way to live.

I chose (b) because, well, things weren't getting better. I now realize that through choosing option (b), option (a) happened.

I wish I had a focal point right now; some tangible project I could undertake to physically show you it's getting better. But I can't take weekly photos of my progress, because it's all contained in my big ass noggin. This is the grandest journey in self-discovery I have undertaken since I started college over ten years ago and had no clue who I was or what I wanted to be. I am now 30 (about to be 31) and am going through a second wave of "reinventing" myself. It seems a lot harder at 31. Maybe because my ability to throw caution to the wind has waned and the days of relying on my parents' bank accounts are over? What a lot of folks figure out by their mid-twenties has taken me an extra five years to grasp. This is my life. Whatever I am doing or not doing at the moment shapes and defines me and my life. Life wasn't delivering all of the gifts I dreamed it would, and it was hard to face that music. Reality can be such a bitch. However, it meant I had to put my head down, and work that much harder. I have always been a hard worker, but I broke down. I felt like doors were closing all around me. I got so used to doors closing that I forgot that they can open, too.

When I thought about what defined me, as a person, I came up short. I wanted someone, anyone, to figure my life out for me. Newsflash! That doesn't happen when you're an adult. When you're an adult you figure your own shit out. See what I mean? Most people get this by their mid-twenties. I was still confused, and that made me feel out of control. Cue: anxiety. Sure I can blame it on the lack of getting pregnant or the never-ending health issues. Those were major contributing factors, but ultimately, I was lost. I am still working on forgiving myself for all of this.

So I've been away from the blog and away from most online distractions that just aren't what I need right now. These days you can find me on Pinterest pinning cute clothes and pretty handbags. I enjoy the mindlessness of it. But other than that, I need to focus and keep working on my priorities. I think about you all (or you few?) a lot. Sometimes I read your blogs, because I miss you guys and want to know what's going on with you. Thank you for the emails and kind words and messages wondering if I'm alive. I am alive and doing really, really well! Thank you for caring and reaching out. It means a lot.







11 comments:

  1. I'm glad you are figuring things out and that everything is looking up! :)

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  2. I'm in the same boat my dear -- after my husband told me he was gay our ended my TTC journey, I had to try and figure out me again ... blogging took a back seat and well, after a few months I finally started to rebuild and while I have nothing super tangible to focus on, I'm working on it! Hang in there!

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  3. so happy to hear that you are doing well!! yay carly :)

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  4. Love you Carly! This update makes me so happy to read. :)

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  5. Great update and I am not so sure if everyone else has this things figured out in their 20, 30, or even 40's so I think you should feel great about finding yourself all over!

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  6. Have I mentioned how excited I am for you? As an infertile woman in her early 30's, I know what you mean. The ONLY reason I learned to "face the music" in my mid-20's is because of a traumatic incident (divorce). Now I realize we are ALL a work in progress. Keep it going girl!

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  7. Cary, this is a great update. I've been away from my blog for several weeks now as well. Sometimes you just need to be away. You're in my thoughts. I hope it's going well. When you're ready, I'll be all ears.

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  8. Hi Carly, thanks for updating and checking in with us. I always think about you and your blog, but I know that sharing your life/thoughts publicly is not always easy. So thank you for your honesty and glad to hear that you are focusing on the positive. All the best.

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  9. I think we are all a work in progress. At almost 33, I have been trying to find a passion for years. I have yet to answer that question. Good luck and keep us updated!!

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