29 May 2012

Living Despite the Void

Life has been racing along. I am working on various projects, and trying to keep up with it all. L is doing the same. We are attempting not to allow the cruel hand of infertility or fertility treatments or disappointment or heartache be our guide. We feel grateful to be where we are at right now.

There have been many good days. L and I have been more at ease with each other than we've been in a very long time. We are learning to laugh again, and not just at our misfortune (harr harr). The dynamics in our relationship are shifting. We are somewhat back to where we used to be before everything shitty that shall not be named happened in our lives.

I hope this means that we are surviving, and dare I say it, even thriving while childless. What a major feat! However, (yeah, there is a "however") despite all of this progress, it has not been easy. There are still difficult moments. Like the time before Mother's Day. That sucked. Also, there is always that empty feeling when I see a pregnant woman or a little one toddling around. It's a quick zap like the release of a rubber band on my skin. It burns for a second, and then I quickly brush it away. The thing I can't brush away is the fact that, at some point, we will likely resume fertility treatments. Shit. One step at a time...

I was going through some of my old posts the other day, and I felt sad reading my own words. I scanned the posts quickly, because I didn't really want to think about all the pain again.

It's so easy to fixate on what we don't have (in all respects, not just having children). For a long time, I chose to believe that "everyone" was moving ahead having children, and I was tethered to the ground, paralyzed. I was constantly stuck within varying levels of vulnerability. But, these days, I can't say I feel that way anymore. At the risk of sounding completely cuckoo (and a tad desperate), I have been asking the universe to protect me, and, if it's not too busy, if it could give us a baby at some point. ;) I am keeping the faith that it will all work itself out. Time marches on, and I am somehow moving along...in my own way.

Something may always feel like it is missing within me, but I am still determined to live the best life possible.

 

P.S. On an unrelated note, the final book in the Fifty Shades trilogy was disappointing. I found it to be repetitive, predictable, and unimaginative. I'm not really sure how I finished it. I know these books aren't bound to be classics or anything, but I feel like I should reveal that since I was just raving about the series in my last post. 

5 comments:

  1. "I chose to believe that "everyone" was moving ahead having children, and I was tethered to the ground, paralyzed. " The clarity you're showing now is profound lady! I'm so proud of how far your mind set has come! We can't always choose our situations - especially when it comes to our bodies. All we can do is the best we can do and move forward. You're choosing now to find joy and carry on, and feed that joy whenever possible. And that is the greatest gift you can give yourself (and your partner). Virtual HUG! Oh - and if you want to do lunch while I'm in So Cal next month, just say the word!

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  2. If you have not read it I would suggest The Story Of O by Pauline Réage it is an erotic novel published in 1954 and believe me none of it disappoints!

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  3. So glad when you post! Always wonder how you are. So glad to hear ya'll are much better :) I have always wanted to ask a question. Have you ever posted on your thoughts on adoption? Just wondering...

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  4. @J. Darling: Thanks, friend! When will you be in town?

    @hemborgwife: Thank you so much for the suggestion! I'll look into it. ;)

    @Chanel: Awww, thanks! :) I haven't posted too much about adoption on here. The truth of the matter is that there is not much to say at this point. I have always kept my heart and mind open to the possibility, and felt that L and I would be wonderful adoptive parents. I think if the right opportunity were to present itself, we would feel beyond lucky and grateful to adopt.

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  5. You are one strong woman and I admire your strength. <3

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