Mother's Day is hitting me hard. In the years since we have been unsuccessful at trying for a baby, I have somehow been able to separate my own despair from this lovely day by honoring my own mother, my grandmother, and all amazing moms that I know. I have always felt it would be selfish to focus on my own shortcomings during a time that really has nothing to do with me.
But, this year, I can't control my thoughts and feelings. I don't feel like being gracious or polite. Mother's Day 2012, fuck off.
To add insult to injury, my birthday was May 6th. Thirty one years ago, I was my mom's mother's day gift. That was a really cute story line for the first thirty years of my life. But, this year I'm just feeling old(er) and childless, and it's a pity party for one. Never in my life have I wished for my birthday to be any other time than one week before mom's day.
Last weekend, L and I went away for a birthday celebration in Santa Barbara. I was so pumped, and actually recall telling a number of people how excited I was for my birthday this year. This was a departure from my usual blase attitude toward the day of my birth. However, unexpectedly, I ended up getting a random case of bad dizziness/nausea, and all I wanted to do was sleep the entire time. I thought I had the flu or something. The weather was picture perfect. We had plans with my brother who I rarely get to see these days. I was tethered to our hotel room unable to enjoy much of anything.
I realize now that I had (have) a bit of the blues. My body recognized first what my mind was denying. Although my life is on the upswing in many ways, it doesn't cancel out the fact that I will get haunted by the whole baby thing from time to time.
I keep trying to remind myself that it is okay to feel this way. This is something that I want so badly that it hurts in a way I can't describe. It hurts from a place that I didn't even know existed inside of me. I try so desperately every moment of every day not to think about it, because if I think about it too much, the tears will flow.
Wow, that's dramatic. Unfortunately, I don't know any other way to describe it. That biological clock that I have silently been questioning if I have or not (even through all of our time TTC!) has come out in full force. Yeah, it's there, and has apparently decided to start ticking. Loudly.
For those of you who read this that are mothers or pregnant or are members of some kind of Mother's Day sensitivity group, please don't think it is a rant against you. Believe me, it's not you, it's me. Thanks.