14 May 2013

Big Picture (or lack thereof)

I pulled this from my personal stash of blog posts that isn't supposed to see the light of day. It's all about feelings. All the feelings. I was compelled to share it for anyone else going through fertility treatments/infertility/etc. Dealing with fertility issues can make you kinda crazy. It can also make you think about things that people without fertility issues may never have to worry nor concern themselves over. 

And that's okay. 

It's okay if your mind goes to places you never thought it would go. It doesn't make you a bad person or a Debbie Downer. It makes you someone who has been dealt a crappy hand and is doing the best they possibly can. Or maybe infertility has made you an eternal optimist and you don't go to the dark corners. I have never met anyone like that, but there's a first time for everything. If I have learned anything over the past number of years, it is that everyone faces challenges differently. And with infertility, the second you think you're doing okay, you've got this infertility thing under control, the shit flies up and hits you smack in the face.    


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I don't see the big picture anymore. I can't see the big picture anymore. My life is a series of small, deliberate steps. I find it almost impossible to imagine my flat, empty stomach as ever being a swollen, pregnant belly. I don't allow myself to think in those terms. I just can't.

Infertility has taken away my ability to envision where I will be in one, two, or ten years. My life is about what is happening right now. Getting through each step in the hopes that something bigger and better is at the end of this road; while simultaneously living with the mind numbing, paralyzing fear that there may be nothing at the end of this road.

It feels like the ocean's waves. Pulling me back and spewing me forward as I crash on the sand, only to be pulled back right before I can fully catch my breath again. I feel out of control, nauseous, scared...wondering if it will ever stop. But, I just keep churning and churning and churning.

I repeat words like "hope" and phrases like "maybe one day" as if they are my religion. Because, really, they are all I have. Our lives hang on "if". IF I get pregnant this cycle, MAYBE ONE DAY we'll finally need that second bedroom. For the past four years, we have selected cars based on whether the backseat can fit a car seat or not. If we purchase this "family friendly" car, maybe one day it will hold our dream come true.

I avoid the deep thoughts, because, if I go there, I fear it could be never-ending. The pain, the what if's, the constant churning. I start to get a headache, and then that familiar lump of anxiety forms in my throat. My chest feels tight, and I can't breathe.

And that's why I don't see the big picture anymore.


9 comments:

  1. As someone who is going through infertility as we speak, this post resonated with me more than I can express. Thank you.

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  2. This is a beautiful post, my friend. And one I can relate to as well - not just on the infertility front. Even adoption seems worlds away most of the time. As if it dangles there, just out of reach, and maybe sheer force of will can make the stars align and make it doable for us. When our case with the state first closed, the word "mother" hurt, because it felt as if I've already failed our future family...

    In truth, this year has taught me that all any of us have is the present. We can dream about the future, try to look ahead, but all we really have is 'right now'.

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  3. I can relate to this post on a completely different level. I've been battling the torture of the unexpected and things that are out of my control with my daughters illness. I don't share this publicly, but it's caused me to go down a road of depression, anger, confusion. I am trying to seek answers and am getting help, but it's been tough. Thank you for being so bold for sharing this. Sending hugs to you my Internet friend :)

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  4. thanks for your honesty, I've totally been there. Right now, I'm in the positive phase. But I know I'll be back sooner or later.

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  5. The "what ifs" punch me in the stomach daily. I do cling to that hope almost like I enjoy the stomach punch. My husband says he has given up on that hope, but he says that I have enough hope for both of us so its ok that he has given up. I think that means that he hasn't really given up. I don't know what I'm rambling about anymore.

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  6. I want to hug your tummy and send it positive vibes. If only life were that easy

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  7. Hello, I just wanted to wish you good luck and to hope you would enjoy life better. You are still in the best years of your life and it's sad to spend them worrying every day. There are solutions and you do everything humanly possible. Nobody could ask you for more.
    Saying 'it's not easy' just doesn't do it. But don't give up hope just yet. You're not the first or the last in this situation. Where I live, people get married pretty late so many women have problems conceiving. Two of my friends have gone through IVF last year, one of them twice. As I write they both have stinky nappies to change. I saw them going through it with a smile on their face but what was behind it only god knows.
    Another friend conceived naturally at almost 40, all unexpected. This after 3 doctors have told her she cannot have kids. She did not have access to treatments in her 20s and gave up hope afterwards.
    My husband's mom had IVF for her second kid... and the list goes on.
    Please enjoy your life such as it is. You're beautiful, smart and with a great guy next to you. XoXo

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  8. Thank you to everyone who commented on this post! I am thinking of each and every one of you. I am sorry it took me so long to say that. You probably won't check back here for a response, but you all touched my heart. Sending you all lots of love, strength, and good vibes!! xoxo

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  9. Somehow I happened upon your blog and this post really hit home. Thank you thank you! My husband and I are currently in the process of using a donor egg to try and have a child after many years. You put into words exactly how I am feeling. Good luck to you with this transfer!!

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