6 June 2014

Catching Up: It's Positive...Huh?

I am going to attempt to pick up where I left off last June. I feel terrible about disappearing and failing to post any updates after sharing so many details about my IVF/infertility experiences. I was in a weird place. I will explain a little more down below. It has been a wild ride. Let's see what I remember.

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To state the obvious: our second IVF cycle worked. Getting a positive test after almost five years of negatives was the most surreal feeling. I was on Cloud 9 for maybe half a day? After that I immediately began over-analyzing my beta levels (HcG) and tearing my hair out over whether the numbers were rising quickly enough. Are they doubling? Why aren't they doubling? What does that mean?! My doctor's office was like, "Chill out, your numbers are great!" But I was completely paranoid. If you are going through fertility treatments and get a positive test, don't ever Google anything related to beta levels. It'll get ugly really fast.

After obsessing over my blood levels, then came the early ultrasounds with my fertility doctor. Hands down one of the coolest aspects of IVF is that you have the earliest photos EVER of your kid. Is it weird that I still occasionally stare at a photo of my daughter as a five day old blastocyst? I'm in complete awe.

We finally "graduated" from our reproductive endocrinologist to our OBGYN when I was about ten weeks along. Actually, the fertility clinic had to kick my ass out of their office. I knew I had to move on, but I had grown so attached to my RE and the nurses that it was pretty painful to leave them.

I had bad "morning" sickness nearly the entire nine months. I had to be on prescription medication until the day I delivered. My OB kept saying, "It should go away by 15 weeks." "Oh, it'll be gone by 20 weeks." Then, "Well, sometimes it hangs on until 24 weeks." Finally, at like 35 weeks, he shrugged his shoulders and admitted that I was just "one of those women" that feels like shit for 40 weeks. Thanks, Dr. K. Do I at least get a special trophy or something with my name on it? Nope? Okay then. Moving on. Also, I want to note that I did not have hyperemesis gravidarum. I was in bad shape, but it never got that bad. Those poor women.

Let's see...what else can I share about the pregnancy. I didn't have a baby shower despite some generous offers to host one for me. I resisted going to birth classes for months until my OB made me feel like a total shit for not going. Then I signed up and learned how long I should hold out before getting an epidural. Kidding. Sorta. I did get to roll around on a birth ball with a bunch of other pregnant women, and that was pretty fun.

All in all, pregnancy did not come easy for me. I was a nauseous hermit most of the time.

The stress of infertility never really goes away. It just kinda morphs. You stress about getting pregnant, and then when you finally achieve that, you worry about staying pregnant. I had a lot of trouble acknowledging the pregnancy out of fear that I would jinx myself. That fact alone became more and more ridiculous as I was walking around with a huge growing belly.

It was definitely a lonely time. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. I was pregnant. So, understandably, I couldn't go cry to anyone with fertility issues. But I still carried the hurt and trauma of so many years of struggle. It was all very confusing and conflicted, and it kinda broke my heart every time I sensed myself being weird when I wished I could just be carefree and happy.

Ultimately though, those forty one and a half weeks that I carried my daughter were the greatest gift of my life. I can say this now that I have given birth and I am looking back on all of it. At the time, I was so wrapped up in surviving each day of the pregnancy, it just wasn't possible to really enjoy myself.




8 comments:

  1. Welcome back! I was wondering if you were going to update this space again. I totally get you. I didn't announce my pregnancy on FB and only announced it on the blog when I was more than 7 months. I was just so protective of the little one and basically only people that saw my huge belly knew. Of course she is out and getting spoiled by lots of hugs now (so hard to train her out of this when my parents are around). The road to our little babies isn't always an easy one. But my there is nothing like a baby smile right?

    xoxo,
    little luxury list formerly Chic 'n Cheap Living

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  2. It's so funny how much I relate to this post. My family thinks I'm insane for not wanting to put our pregnancy out all over Facebook or have a baby registry or have a shower. I'm feeling so conflicted. I don't think fertile pregnant people go through the same struggles during their pregnancies. It's nice to know I'm not crazy.

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  3. Yep, pregnancy SUCKED for me too! I had "morning sickness" from week 6 until I delivered, Zofran was my best friend! I totally miss "hangin out" with my Dr. and nurses twice a week. I wanted so badly to have my own child, it took forever, then finally at 37 I had my baby girl! She is my trophy, I suffered for 38.5 weeks to get her! She weighed 11 lbs. 3 ozs. and 23.5 inches tall, she turned 2 a few weeks ago! Congrats Momma, that little angel is your trophy...enjoy the journey!

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  4. I know more than one woman who got pregnant after struggling with infertility, and I'm amazed at how universal every single emotion you describe is. I don't know if that makes you feel better or worse, but the feelings are totally understandable.

    I can't imagine how you feel looking at your daughter's sweet face after such sorrow and heartache. I am so, so happy for you. What a joy.

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  5. Carly,
    I am so happy to finally be hearing from you again! I feel off the blogging thing a LONG time ago. I don't post and read only maybe 2 from time to time. I would occacsionally check back in on yours over the past few years, really hoping that I would see the news that you had been able to get pregnant. Then you posted...and didn't for a LONG time. I thought maybe you were another blogger who just stopped blogging....and then there is was! You announcing the birth of your daughter! (My 2nd was born on March 6th btw...so yay March babies!) I am just so thrilled to see that you have the baby you wanted to badly. And the way you describe your pregnancy makes so much sense. Our good friends lost a baby at 20 weeks and when they were pregnant again, they felt very much like you did. It's hard to let go of the anxiety. I'm so very happy for you and I hope that you post on your blog from time to time so I can peek into your new family life :-)

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  6. Just wanted to say that even though I don't know you, I'm really happy for you and your family. Your baby girl is lucky to have you.

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  7. Your daughter is the most gorgeous thing ever. I'm so sorry that you were unable to enjoy your pregnancy. I hope for so much joy for you and your hubby now that she's here. I squee every time I see her picture!

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  8. @aneonprincess: You're pregnant?!? OMG, I am so happy for you!!!! Pregnancy after infertility can be complicated. Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to about it. And so many hugs and congratulations to you!

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