28 August 2014

The Beginning of a Life, The End of Another...

Some thoughts on my grandma and her death on the eve of her birthday (August 29th).

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My grandma passed away on September 27, 2013. She had a massive stroke (it wasn't her first), was left severely disabled, and several weeks later, died from an infection she contracted while in a nursing facility. I was a few months pregnant from IVF #2 at the time. I was advised by my doctors not to visit her in the intensive care unit of the hospital, and later, at the nursing home where she was sent to "recover". Recover is in quotes because the nursing home eventually killed her. I never got the chance to hold her hand and tell her I loved her. I never got the chance to tell her how sorry I was that she had suffered a crippling stroke. My mom was going to try and set up a Facetime conversation, but she passed away before that happened.

It was stressful and traumatizing to see her in that state of being. My mom's face when she talks about the dark days after my grandma's stroke tells me everything that she will never actually say out loud. My grandma couldn't really speak or do anything for herself anymore. A fiercely independent woman couldn't even brush her own teeth.

Almost a year after her death, I am left feeling very sad and empty. I didn't get to say goodbye. There was no finality. My daughter is now here, and I am constantly reminded around every corner that my grandma is gone. I have visions of her when I go places we used to go together. I am haunted by what could have been; what should have been.

She was a quiet woman, and rarely ever discussed anything deeply personal. She lost her own mother when she was only thirteen years old. She never spoke of it to me. In the throes of our first IVF cycle, she told me she prayed every night that I would have a baby. I cherished every word of that short conversation we had about my infertility. She knew I was hurting, and there was nothing she could do about it. But her words gave me strength. I knew she was there for me.

When I found out I was pregnant, it gave me so much joy to call her and tell her the news. She was so happy for me and L. I never really talked to her again after that. It brings me some comfort to know that she knew I was pregnant. She didn't get to meet the baby, but she knew there was a baby. I like to believe that she is the reason the baby was a girl. She was working a little magic from up above. The passing of one strong female was making way for the arrival of another tiny strong female.

I won't get into the endless memories I have growing up with my grandma. There are way too many to count. I was lucky to know her for over thirty years. She was an amazing woman: smart, graceful, beautiful beyond words. She is a role model to me, and an inextricable link in the chain of my family's history. I miss her every day. I love her more every day. In her absence, I have an even deeper appreciation for the woman she was. She lives on in my mind and in my heart. One day, my daughter will hear stories and will see pictures of her great-grandmother who loved her so much even though they never had the chance to physically meet.

I love you, Grammy! Happy Birthday!



4 comments:

  1. Beautiful tribute to her. I think I miss my dad more now than I did when he first died. I'm going into business for myself - he would have LOVED to be part of that and to guide that. He never got to meet this prospective grandkids. He could have guided my hubs as an adoptive dad. I like to think those we miss know everything we meant to say.

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  2. Beautiful and left me in tears. I unfortunately have a similar story with the passing of my Grandma. She had dementia and in her lucid moments asked to go into a rest home. We obliged and she died within 3 weeks. Seeing her decline made me so sad that I hadn't yet worked up the nerve to visit her and I have so much regret about not spending time with her during those last precious days. My own mother died when I was a teenager and she showered me with so much love when she was heartbroken herself. My daughter now shares her name and I like to believe their sweet souls are connected. Much love to you on her birthday.

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  3. @J.D.: Nice to hear from you, old friend! I love that last sentence. "I like to think those we miss know everything we meant to say." I am going to remember that. On another note, best of luck with your new business!

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  4. @atout: I read your comment a few times, and now I'm back to read it again. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your own experiences. So heartbreaking. What a loving gesture that your daughter shares her name! Their souls are most certainly connected. Sending you hugs and thank you again for sharing. xo

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